Monthly Archives

April 2018

Self Development

Out of Small Things Come Great Blessings

When we moved to Little Rock, Nancy launched her traditional “meet the neighbors” campaign. One day, after I got home from work, she told me about her visit to Elizabeth Howitt who lived directly behind us. “She is the most amazing woman! She is a remarkable seamstress, a vibrant woman, and a delight to talk to. She is 80-something years old and a widow from Scotland.” Nancy had already fallen in love with her.

Nancy suggested that, since Elizabeth’s family all lived far away, we become a support system for her. I agreed.

Every week during the summer we mowed her lawn. She baked us royal biscuits. We painted her living room. She made us dinner. We made repairs around her house. She told us stories and taught us expressions from her homeland. “I looked at the yard and felt like a dog with two tails.” “My bag was packed like a dog’s breakfast.” “I lit the heater and took a bath and oh! I wouldn’t call the queen my cousin.” “Bob’s your uncle.”

She would sweep up the dust in the alleyway to add as fill dirt to her yard. She ate steel-cut oats daily for breakfast. She walked laps within her home. She read and reread hundreds of books from the library. We were amazed by her breadth of knowledge and enthusiasm for life.
What a vibrant person!

When we went out for a burger or a barbecue sandwich, we took her along. Though she was a tiny little person, she ate more than either of us.

She learned about our family and kept track of each person even though they lived across the country. We celebrated holidays together. She introduced us to her family when they visited.

What started as a service project became something quite different. We became dear friends with Elizabeth.

My beloved Nancy wanted to share the gospel with her. Elizabeth listened attentively and courteously. But, as a witness to decades of religious fighting, she was not interested.

After six years of beautiful friendship, Elizabeth became ill. She was found to have an advanced case of cancer. She died within a month of the diagnosis. It was then that we fully appreciated how much she had changed our lives. We missed her stories, her friendship, her zeal, her “biscuits.” We missed her.

Before she died she gave to us a lovely chair that she had upholstered. The chair sits proudly in our living room.

Service—heartfelt service—changes people. It enlarges hearts and enriches lives. Atop the pyramid of happiness-building recommendations of science is this one: Serve. I suppose that shouldn’t surprise us; God has been recommending service from the beginning of time. The One who washed His disciples dirty and reluctant feet commanded us to love as He loves.

Of course, there is a potential problem with serving. Some of us feel quite guilty if we do not show up for every service project, assist in every move, and visit every widow. So, we totter between exhaustion and guilt. That approach to service is not healthy.

I love the idea that we bring a willingness to every invitation to serve. We want to serve. We gladly serve. Yet we carefully follow God’s direction. For some neighbors we offer fellowship and a plate of cookies. Every once in a while, God will send an Elizabeth into our lives. We seize the blessing when it comes.

God will call us to serve many people in many ways.

We thank God for Elizabeth Howitt. We can’t wait to visit with her again and enjoy Royal Biscuits in heaven.

Invitation: As you read these words, whom do you feel God is calling you to serve? What would He have you do for them?

Recommendation:
Seligman’s Authentic Happiness reviews the great research on happiness. I heartily recommend it. (He has written a more recent book, Flourish. I believe that Authentic Happiness is a stronger book.)

Parenting

Effective Parenting is More than Limits and Consequences

Imagine that your 5-year-old is playing with his toys when a neighbor child comes to the door asking your child to come out and play. Let’s imagine that you had established earlier in the day that you expected your son to put away his toys before he went out to play. So, you ask your son to put away his toys. The boy begs: “Mom! I promise I will put them away later. Please! Let me go out and play!”

What should a wise and balanced parent do?

1. You might say, “Do you promise? I will hold you to it! Okay then. You may go out to play.” That parent is so anxious for good will that he or she sacrifices responsibility.

2. You might say, “You may not go out until you have put everything away.” As the parent you send the neighbor child away with the words: “He will be out if he gets his cleaning done.” This approach emphasizes rules over relationship.

3. You might hesitate. Your child begins to cry, “Oh, please, Mommy. I really want to go out and play.” Tears and begging. Mom, wanting to be kind, lets the child go. And the child learns that emotional displays can undermine parental resolve.

4. You might say: “Son, I can see that you really want to go out and play! I will go get your jacket while you put away your toys. Maybe your friend would like to help you.” This approach honors the child’s feelings while still honoring the earlier agreement about putting toys away. The parent is neither a pushover nor a prison guard but a facilitator and encourager.

The very best parenting shows profound compassion and love for the child while still honoring responsibility and accountability. This is the balancing act in parenting. There are certainly times when rules and agreements may be adapted. Children may stay up late for special occasions, etc.

Each parent has a different natural inclination between guidance and nurture. You may be a great nurturer who does not adequately set and enforce limits. Or you may be a person who is focused on enforcing limits even if it interferes with your relationships with your children. Or you may be so anxious for peace that you surrender your good sense when your child becomes upset in the face of consequences. Or you may be some other combination.

All of us need to honor both core principles with our children. “And, ye [parents], provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).

It can be remarkably difficult for frustrated parents to discern among effective consequences, resentment-creating punishments, and unhelpful manipulation.

Sometimes we justify harsh consequences because “children must learn the lesson.” I absolutely believe in the law of the harvest and that children who do not learn to be responsible for their behavior are likely to become irresponsible adults who have painful lives.

However, I also believe that many books and discussions are so completely focused on consequences, that parents forget about nurturing the relationship of love. We must not lose a sense of balance that respects both appropriate consequences and the loving relationship with our children that will promote their best development.

One of the core truths of research and the gospel, is that people grow, learn, and flourish best when their development is governed by someone who loves them dearly.

God also gives the law of love priority.

The profound statement by Urie Bronfenbrenner is foundational: “Every child should spend a substantial amount of time with somebody who’s crazy about him or her. There has to be at least one person who has an irrational involvement with that child, someone who thinks that kid is more important than other people’s kids, someone who’s in love with him or her and whom he or she loves in return.”

Research teaches that no control techniques work in the absence of a loving relationship. A person may use the most effective control techniques on the planet, but they will have limited effectiveness if the child does not feel loved.

What are the markings of proper consequences? Parents don’t overreact to misdeeds. They stay calm and helpful. Parents retain a spirit of good will and helpfulness. They ensure that the child takes on reasonable, developmentally-appropriate responsibility for keeping commitments and making repairs related to their behavior.

The real-world challenges often require the wisdom of Solomon; yet they are solved with a commitment to both essential processes: nurture and guidance.

Invitation: See if you can determine what your personal balance is between nurturing and guiding. Think about ways you can honor both processes in your parenting.

Recommendation: Haim Ginott’s Between Parent and Child provides excellent examples of nurturing while setting limits. Books by his students Faber and Mazlish also do this well.