Monthly Archives

March 2018


Better Ways of Disciplining

I was chatting with a friend in the entrance to his garage one Saturday morning. As we spoke, his young son rode into the garage on his bike and parked it in front of the old family station wagon. Apparently, the family had a rule about the proper place to park bikes and the boy had violated that rule.

What should a father do to be sure his son learns that he must not park his bike in front of the car? Dad has several options.

He could punish the boy. But can we punish children into submission? Perhaps. We certainly can punish them into bitterness and resentment. Punishment creates resistance.

The father could remove privileges. “I am going to lock up your bike until you learn a lesson.” That consequence might make the boy take the rule more seriously. Yet instead of teaching better thinking, this assumes that the only way to learn is through the threat of unpleasant consequences.

Let’s talk about what the father did do. The father interrupted our conversation to stomp over to his son, grab him, hold him up in the air and start yelling the Standard Parental Lecture. “Why do you always…Why can’t you ever…Won’t you ever learn…What is it going to take…”

Such expression of strong emotion may help the father feel that he has made his point. But let’s leave our parental perspective and see the situation from the child’s view. What do you think the son was thinking as he was suspended in mid-air with his father’s angry face yelling at him? Do you think he was saying, “I am so glad that dad is bringing these things to my attention. He has a valid point. This will really help me remember.”

I don’t think so. I don’t think the boy was doing any quiet reflecting. I suspect that he was flooded with emotion. Fear. Anger. Humiliation. Hurt. If my discernment is correct, the boy was overwhelmed and forlorn.

When the father had finished his harangue, he paused, still panting from the angry lecture. Then he bellowed: “I love you.” He set his son down and returned to pick up the conversation with me.

Again, let’s take the child’s perspective. Do you think the boy left the conversation feeling loved? I don’t think so. I think he felt humiliated! The person who should have been his friend, protector, teacher, and advocate had acted in total disregard for his feelings. He could have taught him, encouraged him, and helped him. Instead he demeaned him.

In an earlier post I recommended the use of parental induction in which we minimize the use of power, we reason with children and help them understand the effects of their behavior on others.

This agrees with the Lord’s instruction: “No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of [parenthood], only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile” (D&C 121:41-42).

Imagine that the dad, upon seeing the son’s parking violation, called out to his son, “Ethan.” Maybe simply calling his name would spark the son’s remembrance of previous discussions about bikes and parking.

Maybe not. If not, the father could invite: “Let’s talk!” The son trots to his father who kneels to face him. “Do you remember what we’ve said about parking your bike?” Almost surely the son will remember. “I would like you to park your bike on the side of the garage. Are you willing to do that?” If Ethan has any hesitation, Dad might teach the reason for the rule. Then he might suggest, “I know it may be hard to remember. What can we do to help you remember?”

This approach assumes that the son will respond to reasonable guidance but may need reminders. So the focus is on helping him remember.

How might the son respond to this approach? He is likely to feel that his father is on his side, that they can work together in peace and love. He is likely to learn that rules are reasonable guides that help us live together. This is in perfect harmony with the research on induction which shows that children guided by parental induction are likely to become mature, caring, and conscientious adults.

There are innumerable challenges in family life. Kids forget their chores. They are unkind to each other. They do things on impulse. They sneak Twinkies. Induction is a process that can be customized to the behavior of each child. It helps parents go beyond simply enforcing obedience through discipline. Instead, the parent enters the mental and emotional world of the child in order to teach effectively. With an understanding of the child’s world, the parent teaches responsible behavior while preserving a positive relationship.

I recommend teaching as the key to guidance.

“For intelligence cleaveth unto intelligence; wisdom receiveth wisdom; truth embraceth truth; virtue loveth virtue; light cleaveth unto light; mercy hath compassion on mercy and claimeth her own; justice continueth its course and claimeth its own” D&C 88:44

Invitation: Sometime soon your children will do something that irritates you. Be prepared to help them learn through the use of gentle and patient instruction.

Recommendation: I heartily recommend Haim Ginott’s Between Parent and Child. For ways to guide children without anger, I recommend my Soft-Spoken Parent.

The bike story used in this article is adapted from my book, Finding Joy in Family Life.


Showing Understanding in Marriage

Imagine that my wife Nancy has been in hard labor for hour after long hour through an entire night and most of the next day. I am by her side trying to comfort her. She is exhausted from relentless and inexpressible pain. Image that she groans, “I just don’t know if I can keep going.”

Let’s imagine that I say, “I know just how you feel.”

Nancy would have every right to rise out of her bed and smite me.

I don’t know how she feels! My body has never experienced 14 hours of labor. And, even if it had, it would still diminish her current and painful experience if I redirected attention from the one in crisis to the experience of the one who is sitting comfortably at the side of her bed.

There is hardly a poorer way to show understanding or compassion than to say to someone in pain, “I know just how you feel.” That is equally true whether the pain is physical or emotional.

By the way, I did not say that to my wife. Unfortunately, when our firstborn was placed in my arms, I marveled! “Amazing! We need to have more children!” Those were not the words that Nancy was ready to hear immediately after hard labor. It is hard for us to think outside our own experience and fully enter someone else’s experience.

There are times when a dear one is suffering, and we want to offer words of comfort and compassion. What are the best ways of doing that?

Let’s start with INEFFECTIVE ways to show understanding. Many of our efforts to show compassion may have the opposite effect. They make a person feel mad or misunderstood. Following are some examples of things that we should not do:

• Don’t jump in and immediately give advice.
“Here are my thoughts on that…”
“What you need to do is . . ..”
“When something like that happens to me, here is what I do…”

• Don’t talk about your own feelings and experiences instead of theirs.
“I know just how you feel.”
“That same thing happened to me.”
“That’s nothing. You should hear what happened to me.”
“That just makes me so angry because…”

• Don’t make your spouse’s pain seem unimportant.
“I think you’re over-reacting.”
“Everything will seem better tomorrow.”
“That’s too bad…. Now I have something else we need to discuss.”

When people are in emotional pain, the first gift you can give them is the willingness to listen. Provide them a safe harbor in which to express whatever they want to share. Don’t interrupt with questions or opinions. Don’t immediately begin offering counsel. Avoid becoming distracted by planning what you are going to say when it is your turn to talk. Don’t become impatient and signal they are taking too long to share their experience.

While someone is struggling with emotional pain, that experience is very personal and very significant to them in that moment. They don’t feel anyone really understands. And they are right—even if you have listened carefully or been in similar circumstances, you can’t fully understand how the other person is feeling That’s why a person who is hurting would probably rather have you say, “I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I wish I could understand just how sad (or hurt or lonely) you feel.” Sometimes the best way to show understanding is to admit that you can’t understand exactly how they feel.

The key to understanding what the other person feels is identifying the person’s feeling. After we have listened and watched carefully to learn how a person is feeling, we might do and say one of the following EFFECTIVE things:

• Acknowledge or identify the person’s feeling.
“You feel strongly about this!”
“You seem to feel very (concerned, hurt, upset, confused, frustrated, lonely, sad).”

• Invite more discussion.
“I would like to understand how you are feeling. Will you tell me more?”

• Use active listening.
“Let me see if I understand. You feel like . . .? “
“It sounds like you feel (lonely, confused, sad, etc.).”
Effective compassion keeps the focus on the person in pain. It sets aside my own discomforts to minister to one who is suffering. When the good Samaritan was ministering to the wounded and half dead man, he did not say, “I know you’re in bad shape, but my bunions are killing me!” No! We set aside our discomforts to minister to those who are suffering.

All of this gets more complicated when both partners in a marriage are feeling hurt and distressed. When one person can set aside his or her pain to offer comfort, healing is advanced. But that is rare. When we feel attacked by another person, we tend to counter-attack. When a wife enumerates a husband’s faults, he is likely to respond in kind. Sometimes the best we can do when we are both in distress is to take time out. During that timeout, we are wise NOT to rehearse our own complaints but to try to understand our partner’s pain.

There are many times every day when our spouses express pain, dismay, or discouragement. When we regularly offer genuine compassion through the ordinary challenges of life and marriage, we build a bond of trust and love.

Invitation: Next time your partner expresses pain, pause your natural reactions. Turn your full attention to his or her distress. Offer words of understanding.

Recommendation: For an LDS perspective on marriage and compassion, read my Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage.

Thanks to Barbara Keil for her excellent additions to this article.

Examples of poor and good ways to show understanding are adapted from my publication, Being Understanding, written for the Alabama Cooperative Extension System.

Self Development

Overcoming the Odds

Cory Hatch was a unique kid. For example, as a high school sophomore in a rural school, he often had that telltale ring in the back pocket of his jeans. A new teacher would approach him:

“Cory, give me your chewing tobacco.”

Looking innocent, he responded indignantly: “I don’t have any tobacco.”

“C’mon, Cory. You know you’re not allowed to have tobacco at school.”

“I don’t have any tobacco.”

“Cory, just give me what’s in your right rear pocket.”

Cory would reach in his pocket and hand the teacher a roll of electrical tape-which just happened to be the same size and shape as a can of common chewing tobacco.

For anyone else, that might seem like a case of pure mischief-deliberately baiting teachers. For Cory it was different. He was having fun before he died.

Cory was born with cystic fibrosis. Not only was his disease a death sentence for him, it overtook his life, entailing hours of breathing treatments patiently administered by his loving mother every night. And it meant that he was the shortest and smallest student in the school. He may have weighed 80 pounds in high school. By10th grade, he had already outlived his life expectancy. Though he lived with the threat of death, he lived his life joyously.

I remember Cory joshing other kids. He didn’t have the size or strength to intimidate anyone, but he had the wits and personality to leave a lasting impression on many lives.

There was another small student at the school. The football players liked to pick him up and shove him headfirst into garbage cans. But Cory didn’t allow them to do that with him. He didn’t plead poor health. He didn’t ask for pity. Nope. If any football players came at him, he turned to face them squarely. Picture this tiny guy facing a crowd of menacing footballers two to three times his size. “Just a minute guys. You need to think about this.” When he had their undivided attention, he declared, “If you shove me in that garbage can, I will be forced to beat the hell out of every one of you.” Everyone laughed and Cory never went in a garbage can.

Cory’s IQ did not set him apart. No. It was his positivity and sense of humor. He enjoyed life and he intended to live it to the fullest.

At the end of his sophomore year, Cory wrote in my yearbook: “From one of the most kind-hearted, well-mannered, intelligent persons you have ever had in a class. Cory Hatch” He’s right. Yet I would add more. He was one of the most clever, savvy, sensitive, and vibrant people I ever knew. I love him.

When Cory left to go to college and no longer had his mother’s care, he died. As one of his teachers and his scout leader, I was asked to speak at his funeral. I realized how profoundly that little man impacted my life.

Cory defied the odds. He had the risk factors for many kinds of human misery. Yet he lived vibrantly.

Most of us assume that our level of happiness depends on our circumstances. We tell ourselves that the challenges and burdens of our lives mean we have little choice but to feel unhappy and disheartened. But research tells us that our choices have far more impact on our happiness than our circumstances. Cory’s example confirms that the people who are happier are not so because they have optimal life circumstances. They are happier because they choose to focus on whatever is positive and joyful about life.

Thank you, Cory, for your life and your example. I hope all of us will choose to live as vibrantly as you did. I can’t wait to see you again.

Invitation: Who are the people you know who have lived vibrantly? What can you learn from them to live your life more fully?

Thanks to Barbara Keil for her helpful suggestions on this article.