Who’s Right?

Here’s a great idea …

In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman says, “In all arguments, both solvable and perpetual, no one is ever right. There is no absolute reality in marital conflict, only two subjective realities.” (p. 150)

In other words …

Humans often feel a need to be right. We refuse to back down from most arguments because we want to prove just how right we are. When we play this game with our partners, we all lose. Each of us tries to prove we are right, and we become enemy combatants. Even though we think we have more truth than our partners, the best thing we can do is try to understand each other. Then we can work together.

Here’s how you can use this idea to have a better life …

The next time you have a disagreement with your partner, stop and look at things from that person’s point of view. Search for the reasons behind their beliefs. Find the pain beneath the angry or hurtful things your partner says. The more you understand your partner’s point of view the better your relationship can be.

To find out more…

about couple relationships, check out The Marriage Garden program at arfamilies.org, follow us at facebook.com/navigatinglife or contact your local county Extension agent. You can also read Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Author: H. Wallace Goddard

Wally Goddard is a retired professor of Family Life having served in Arkansas and Alabama. He developed programs on personal well-being, marriage, and parenting. He is well known for his many creative family programs, including The Marriage Garden, The Parenting Journey, and Blueprint for Happiness. Wally has authored or co-authored several books including Between Parent and Child, The Soft-Spoken Parent, and Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. He has been recognized by his colleagues with several awards including the Outstanding Family Life Educator Award. Wally and his wife, Nancy, have three adult children, fourteen grandchildren, and have cared for many foster children over the years. Wally describes Nancy as the finest human being he has ever known.

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