Want a Fight – Or A Solution? 


A Great Idea …

“Discussions invariably end on the same note they begin…If you start an argument harshly-meaning you attack your spouse verbally-you’ll end up with at least as much tension as you began. But if you use a softened startup-meaning you complain but don’t criticize or otherwise attack your spouse the discussion is likely to be more productive.” (Marriage researcher, John Gottman, in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Your Marriage Work, p. 161)

In Other Words …

When we start discussions with an attack, our partners naturally defend themselves. They  become defensive. Rather than getting what we want, we get hurt feelings and damaged relationships. Instead of attacking our partners, we can make requests. Rather than say, “I am so tired of your laziness!” we can say, “I need your help with taking out the trash.”

How This Applies to You…

The next time your partner is irritating you, use your creativity to turn a criticism into a request. Think about the approach that wins cooperation-and use it.

To Find Out More…

For an excellent (and free!) program on marriage, see The Marriage Garden at Arkansas Families.

For an excellent book focused on marriage, read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman or The Marriage Garden by H. Wallace Goddard and James P. Marshall.

Author: H. Wallace Goddard

Wally Goddard is a retired professor of Family Life having served in Arkansas and Alabama. He developed programs on personal well-being, marriage, and parenting. He is well known for his many creative family programs, including The Marriage Garden, The Parenting Journey, and Blueprint for Happiness. Wally has authored or co-authored several books including Between Parent and Child, The Soft-Spoken Parent, and Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. He has been recognized by his colleagues with several awards including the Outstanding Family Life Educator Award. Wally and his wife, Nancy, have three adult children, fourteen grandchildren, and have cared for many foster children over the years. Wally describes Nancy as the finest human being he has ever known.

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