Fixing The Fights

A Great Idea …

“A repair attempt is any statement or action intended to keep negativity from escalating out of control. It is an effort to heal the relationship. Repair attempts can come in many forms. It may be something as simple as saying, ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘I love you.’ It may be something nonverbal like a hug or a gentle touch of your spouse’s shoulder or back. It could involve a gentle joke at our own expense.” (Professors of Family Life, H. Wallace Goddard and James P. Marshall, in their book, The Marriage Garden pp. 131-132)

In Other Words …

Many arguments with our partners could be diffused if someone would just make the first move to break the tension. This doesn’t mean we have to give in to our partners; it just means deciding that the
relationship is more important than winning an argument.

How This Applies to You…

The next time you are swept up in a disagreement with your partner, find a way to make a repair attempt. This won’t be easy. Pride and passion will push you toward conflict. The more you put the relationship above your need to be right, the more your relationship will flourish and thrive.

To Find Out More…

For more great ideas (or to share your ideas) check out the Navigating Life’s Journey blog

For an excellent (and free!) program on marriage, see The Marriage Garden at Arkansas Families.

For an excellent book focused on marriage, read The Marriage Garden by H. Wallace Goddard and James P. Marshall or The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman.

Author: H. Wallace Goddard

Wally Goddard is a retired professor of Family Life having served in Arkansas and Alabama. He developed programs on personal well-being, marriage, and parenting. He is well known for his many creative family programs, including The Marriage Garden, The Parenting Journey, and Blueprint for Happiness. Wally has authored or co-authored several books including Between Parent and Child, The Soft-Spoken Parent, and Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. He has been recognized by his colleagues with several awards including the Outstanding Family Life Educator Award. Wally and his wife, Nancy, have three adult children, fourteen grandchildren, and have cared for many foster children over the years. Wally describes Nancy as the finest human being he has ever known.

3 thoughts on “Fixing The Fights”

  1. what if all is taken as if my attempt to repair is mocked and escalates to name calling, lying, throwing the past into my face?

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  2. I call this “trade offs”. A marriage cannot survive without it. I may not get this – but I get this. Put anything you want in that sentence. It works. It’s never a matter of pride, or being right, it is always about making the relationship work. I’ve got family that want a marriage like mine. Well, I tell them, you gotta do trade offs. Not too many of them get it even if I explain it to them. Its like playing board games, it isn’t about the winning its about the fun and interaction you are having while playing the game. Now that is winning.

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