We humans are odd creations! We all think we’re rational and sensible, yet at the same time, it’s pretty clear to us that most other people are held hostage by bad logic and imperfect objectives. We wish other people could see life as clearly as we do.
The problem is that we are blind to our own misperceptions. We see splinters in everyone else’s eyes but fail to notice the beams in our own eyes.
I suspect that this troublesome quirk is by divine design. “For the natural man is an enemy to God” and truth. We all see through a glass darkly. We all tend to hold up ourselves and our thinking as the standard of measurement.
You might well ask, “Why would God want us to see and judge so poorly while being so confident? What is He up to?”
The short answer is humility. God wants us to learn that we don’t have all truth, that we need to listen to other people if we want to understand them, and that we need to listen to the one whose name is Truth if we want to understand life.
Pride is a consequence of the Fall; humility is a gift of the Spirit. We humans tend to impose our way on others—especially in marriage. God wants us to learn from others and respect their unique perspectives. He wants us to care about them instead of viewing ourselves and our own views as the center of the universe.
Let me give you an example: I know an exemplary couple where the husband loves peace and rationality. He would rather have a good discussion about gospel principles and insights than almost anything else. His wife values being busy and productive. She likes using her time to work through her tasks for the day.
One of the things that first attracted her to him was his love of the gospel. One of the things that most attracted him to her was her energy. They got married.
But relationships get complicated. Both people are exemplary saints and much loved by family and friends, yet sometimes they make each other crazy. He wants to regularly sit down and have deep conversations with her about gospel principles. She wants to stay active and tackle tasks that are important to her. The more he tries to draw her into a gospel discussion, the more she tries to get free. The more she wants to get something done, the more he tries to start a serious discussion.
Some significant differences are a part of every relationship. It isn’t the differences themselves that create the mischief; it is the way we deal with them. The husband might say something judgmental, “You loved talking about the gospel when we were dating. Why do you resist now?” The wife might say, “You used to love doing things with me. Why have you changed?”
When we feel the discomfort of the difference, we commonly try to change or fix our partners to make them more like us. However, the more we try to change them to fit our lives and preferences, the more they resist. The more they resist, the more we pursue and pressure them, and the more distance we create in the relationship.
“For the natural [spouse] is an enemy to [their partner], and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever . . .” (King Benjamin in Mosiah 3:19, adapted).
We sure like to make ourselves and our partners miserable!
Fortunately, there is an escape clause in King Benjamin’s heavenly instruction.
For the natural [spouse] is an enemy to [their partner], and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love . . ..
Mosiah 3:19
What does it look like to be submissive, meek, humble, patient, and full of love in our marriages?
Imagine that, in the couple described above, the husband noticed the way his wife resisted sitting down and engaging in formal conversations about the gospel. Rather than pressing for more, he might get curious. “I love talking about the gospel with you. I notice that you like to be active and doing. I’m wondering if there’s a way to have those conversations together while you’re active and doing. What do you think?” She might say something like, “I love that you love the gospel! And I love hearing your ideas. But I’m not happy unless I’m busy. Could we talk about the gospel as we drive places or take walks or while I’m cooking?”
In marriage we will get irritated. And irritation isn’t all bad; it is an invitation. God invites us to remember that the covenants we made when we were sealed brought us into a sacred partnership with our spouse and with Him. Our own views and logic are not the only ones that matter. We have not been called to make our spouse into a new creature of our own design. Instead, we ourselves are called to become a new creature in Christ—more submissive, more patient, more humble, and filled with greater love. When we feel irritated with our partner, God is inviting us to get curious—to explore with our partner how to honor their gifts and perspectives as well as our own.
Notice the next time you feel irritation with your partner and convert that irritation into curiosity.
Invitation: Would you like to learn how to apply the Gospel of Jesus Christ and good research to enrich and strengthen your marriage? Join me for a marriage retreat on April 12 in Alpine, Utah. Normally $199 per couple, early bird price of $149 until March 31! To get more information and register for the retreat, go to: drwally.com
Appreciation: Thanks to Barbara Keil and Annie Foster for their skillful refinements of this article.
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