There are two primary interpretations of the ancient command to love our neighbors as ourselves.
1. We cannot love others until we love ourselves. When we love ourselves, we are more positive people and have more to offer others. We must not be absorbed with self-hate. We need to cherish ourselves, otherwise we will not have the foundation to properly cherish others.
2. The second possibility is that the command acknowledges that we already dedicate most of our lives to focusing upon, caring for and defending ourselves. As Thomas D. Murray put it, “No matter how much religion or psychology we have mastered, each of us is strongly self-oriented; that in spite of the fact we may be willing to die for someone who is dear to us, we think mainly about ourselves in any given day, our happiness and health and hopes. Even what we will have for dinner tonight.” The command is intended to challenge us to invest some of that energy and effort into caring for and being compassionate towards other people rather than continuing to focus on ourselves.
One reason the first interpretation is so attractive is that most of us have experienced numbing and persistent self-hate at some points in our lives. It is painful and disabling. The popular assumption is that the opposite of self-hate is surely the remedy: We must love ourselves.
Unfortunately, that is a very narrow and modern way of thinking. Much wiser ways of thinking group self-hate and self-love together into the category of self-absorption. The opposite of that is self-forgetfulness—which has been the recommended path for disciples since the beginning of time.
But let’s return to the question of the two possibilities listed above. Does God want us to love ourselves so we have more to offer, or does He want us to forget ourselves to better serve others?
James Faulconer, a philosophy professor at BYU and a research fellow at the Maxwell Institute, explained the context for the love-thy-neighbor-as-thyself command.
To see this better, look at the context in which Jesus quotes from Leviticus in the New Testament. Each time, he is speaking to a group of Pharisees and others who have a particular problem with both self-love and judging others. As much as anything else, it seems their desire for themselves and for their positions and their pseudo-authority–and the judgment of others implicit in that self-desire, position, and authority–prevents the Pharisees he is speaking to from seeing that Jesus is the Savior. I do not think he gave the commandment from Leviticus to them as an approval of self-love. He gave it as a condemnation of them. To them he repeats the law of Moses; self-love is part of that law, not because it is good, but because it at least provides a standard that sinful people can understand. It is as if the verse in Matthew uses Leviticus to say: You have no problem loving yourselves; love others at least that much instead of judging them. It is more than appropriate that Christ quotes this scripture to those scribes, Pharisees, and others who oppose him, and even to us today–to anyone who already loves himself or herself.
Jesus never commands us to love ourselves. Quite the contrary. Time and again He recommends self-forgetfulness which is often called humility in scripture. Humility is the recognition that we are fallen, weak, and imperfect and cannot prosper spiritually without God.
For whosoever exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted. (Luke 14:11)
And whosoever shall exalt himself shall be abased; and he that shall humble himself shall be exalted. (Matthew 23:12)
Jesus, the only perfect person who walked this earth, would not allow Himself to be called “Good Master.” Jesus responded to the man who used that title, “Why callest thou me good? there is none good but one, that is, God” (Matthew 19:17, cf. Mark 10:18). We too should praise God as the source of all good things.
Many people who are pained by self-doubt and self-judgment assume that getting to self-appreciation will move them from gloominess to well-being. But self-appreciation is impossible to sustain. While it is true that we are cherished children of God, it is also true that here in mortality we are fallen. “Because of the fall our natures have become evil continually” (Ether 3:2). We are of infinite worth AND, in our fallen state, we are enemies to God. The remedy in mortality is NOT to try to convince ourselves that we are already good. The scriptural recommendation is clear and oft-repeated:
I would that ye should remember, and always retain in remembrance, the greatness of God, and your own nothingness, and his goodness and long-suffering towards you, unworthy creatures, and humble yourselves even in the depths of humility, calling on the name of the Lord daily, and standing steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come. (Mosiah 4:11, a similar message in all of scripture)
This is an uncomfortable truth for the secular humanist. Yet it is the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Having chosen to come to this fallen world where we are soiled by mortality and we daily fall short, our only hope is to be redeemed by the Lord Jesus Christ.
It may be comforting to dwell on the truth that we are beloved children of heavenly parents and ignore the unpleasant reality of our fallenness, but the only way to heal our souls is to throw ourselves on the merits, mercy, and grace of the One who is mighty to save (See 2 Nephi 2:8).
Our comfort must not be in our inherent goodness but Jesus’ unrelenting love and infinite atonement. We, like all repenters, may be brought to rejoicing by crying out earnestly and regularly, “O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death” (Alma 36:18).
Jesus is the only way forward.
Our focus should not be on loving ourselves, but on loving Jesus. It is He who can take our fallen, flawed, and troubled souls and transform them. It is not love of self but love of Jesus that transforms us and the world. There is firm and enduring comfort in trusting Him.
So, you can see the ingenious mischief Satan has imposed on us. While our culture insists that we cannot love anyone until we love ourselves and that the path to mental health is in self-regard, Jesus teaches that we should forget ourselves, love and trust Him, and serve one another. Satan has scored an almost perfect inversion.
As a second witness to this truth, research demonstrated convincingly as early as 1983 that we cannot help people be happier and more productive by raising their self-esteem. It simply doesn’t work. Abundant empirical tests show the effort to build self-esteem to be counterproductive.
However, people who are productive often feel good about themselves. Self-esteem is not the path to well-being but a marker for having accomplished something. Unfortunately, even those whose accomplishments are anti-social have good self-esteem. Self-esteem is simply not the path to Zion.
The capstone of this discussion is the new commandment Jesus gave at the conclusion of His exemplary ministry.
A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another. (John 13:34-35).
The mark of discipleship is that we love others as Jesus did—devotedly, humbly, redemptively. Our culture’s mandate to love ourselves did not come from God but from a self-absorbed and foolish culture.
Perhaps you can see the folly of trying to convince ourselves that we cannot love others until we first love ourselves. Pursuing a course of self-love leads us to focus on ourselves. God invites us to set aside any tendency to be self-obsessed. Instead, He wants us to focus on Jesus, His grace, goodness and ability to redeem us. The central message of the Gospel of Jesus Christ in general and the Book of Mormon in particular is that we must throw ourselves on the merits, mercy, and grace of Christ. He is mighty to save. The more we think about Him and the more we love and serve others, the less we worry about ourselves and the more we find peace.
You’re invited to join us in our upcoming marriage retreat—Create a Happier Marriage Using Powerful Principles. Learn how core principles of the gospel weave together with the best discoveries from family life research to enable your marriage to flourish. Some of the topics include connecting more through compassion, learning how differences can bless you as a couple, building commitment, creating a joyous future together, and drawing heavenly power into your marriage. Join us on either July 8 or September 23, in Alpine, Utah for only $199. Go to DrWally.com to register. We look forward to having you join us!
Thanks to Barbara Keil for her helpful contributions to this article.
See Faulconer’s full article, Self-Image Self-Love and Salvation, at:
https://www.academia.edu/3138132/Self_Image_Self_Love_and_Salvation
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