It is surprising how different we can be in our marriages. Here are some differences we have seen in couples we know and love.
He is married to his job and she wants more family time.
She makes long explanations and he wants quick, direct answers.
He is comfortable with splurging while she is very conservative with money.
She makes decisions based on her feelings while he is highly logical.
He is very affectionate and she is more reserved.
She starts the day early and fast while he likes to start slow and work late.
He loves to travel and she is a homebody.
She loves everything in its place and he likes being more relaxed.
When there is a disagreement, he wants to take it head-on while she would rather avoid confrontations.
She makes decisions based on what she sees as right while he sometimes wants to relax and enjoy life more. .
He is blunt and she has tender feelings.
She likes to be in charge and he does not like to be bossed around.
He wants the very best of everything and she is satisfied with anything that does the job.
She doubts traditional authority and he trusts it.
He loves order and she enjoys never-ending projects that can be chaotic.
She wants to eat healthy while he enjoys comfort food.
Many of these differences create a lifetime of frustration, alienation, tension, and even divorce. We are left to wonder, are we really poor at choosing partners with whom we are compatible? Maybe we don’t pay attention to the warning signs or maybe we don’t even know what to look for!
There is another possibility suggested by Daniel Wile, a marriage scholar and therapist.
Each potential relationship has its own particular set of inescapable recurring problems. . . . There is value, when choosing a long-term partner, in realizing that you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unresolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years.
Daniel B. Wile, 1988, pp. 12-13
Wile observes that each of us gets to make a decision about how we will deal with our unresolvable differences. We can be judgmental, bitter and angry. We can argue endlessly. We can demand our spouse change. Or when our spouse fails to change, we can divorce to escape those annoying problems.
The fly in the divorce ointment is that when we choose to start another relationship, there will be a new set of “inescapable recurring problems.” It may take a while to discover the problems in the new relationship, but they are there and will become irritating with time.
What’s the solution?
To understand the solution to our annoying differences, we must understand God’s purposes in marriage and mortality. Father wants us to grow. Mortality is not serene living in a retirement community. No. Mortality is specifically intended to stretch us. Life asks us the questions: How will you deal with people who are different from you? Will you value people as much as you value your preferences? Will you learn to adapt, accommodate, and negotiate?
There is no place where this struggle is stronger and more consistent than in the intense sharing of marriage.
The wonderful marriage scholar Carlfred Broderick told about the ways we LDS often portray marriage. In our youth firesides, we may dress a lovely couple and their darling children in all white and exult in celestial prospects. Love, joy, and goodness! But Broderick challenged that thinking. He said, in effect, that if we think that the gospel is assurance of happy families, we have misunderstood God’s purposes. The gospel is not a guarantee of unfailingly sweet, loving relationships but a resource to use when relationships are challenging.
God is not ready for us to retire. He is challenging us to learn how to love across our differences. It is easy-peasy to love those who are like us and whom we see only occasionally. But loving someone who works late, is defensive, and wastes money—now there is a growth opportunity—especially when we see them every day! Will we offer compassion instead of judgment? Will we understand and appreciate their preferences? Will we cherish the person even when they are annoying? Will we seek to find solutions that honor both partners’ preferences?
There is the challenge that God has set before us.
You are invited! This Saturday, September 28, we will have our new and improved marriage retreat that combines research discoveries with God’s counsel in a practical and inspiring day of learning. Only $199 per couple. Held in Alpine, Utah. To learn more and sign up for the retreat, go to DrWally.com
Thanks to Barbara Keil for her editorial refinements of this article.
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