It is surprising how often the insightful discoveries of research fit harmoniously with the prescriptions of the gospel of Jesus Christ. There are even times when research gives us a better idea of how we can apply God’s enduring counsel.
Let me give you an example related to love and marriage. Several passages in scripture express God’s counsel about the bedrock of relationships.
“A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.” (John 13:34-35)
“And he commanded them that there should be no contention one with another, but that they should look forward with one eye . . . their hearts knit together in unity and in love one towards another.”
(Mosiah 18:21)
“Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God; and the doctrine of the priesthood shall distil upon thy soul as the dews from heaven.”
(D&C 121:45)
The message is clear: Love is God’s central command. It is the key to strong relationships. But the kind of love God recommends is much more than a giddy feeling of enchantment. It is a profound commitment to act in the best interest of another person. His kind of love follows His example in paying any price to advance another person’s well-being.
How does this compare to the discoveries of research? John Gottman and his associates may have done more than any other group to help us understand marriage. And their most important discovery may be that you don’t have to have a specific kind of relationship. You may have a volatile, avoidant, or a validating relationship and it is likely to be satisfying and enduring as long as you have a preponderance of positives.
You need roughly twenty times as much everyday positivity as there is negativity between you and your partner. An amazing way to create positivity is to admire your partner and then say it out loud. In a jam-packed day, it’s possible to just let the real stuff of life slip away—so take a few moments to regard this human you’re going through life with and remember, Oh yeah, I really love the way she comes home every day so jazzed to tell me about her work. Don’t let those thoughts and feelings pass without sharing them with your partner. Grab on to them; hand them to your partner like a tiny gift. It’s a gift for you, too. Affection, respect, and friendship are the foundation of everything else in a marriage.
pp. 78-79, Gottman & Gottman, 2022, italics in original
There are many ways to create the preponderance of positives in your marriage. Notice your spouse’s kind acts and express gratitude. Greet your spouse warmly when you have been apart. Take interest in their thoughts and activities.
After all the workshops on communication and conflict resolution and all the marriage enrichment weekends, the thing that trumps them all is loving kindness.
The research goes even farther. Sandra Murray, a respected psychologist, found that the happiest couples saw qualities in their partners that even their family and best friends did not see. She calls them “positive illusions” under the assumption that happy partners imagine qualities beyond those that are objectively justified. The Lord offers another possibility. When we have charity towards our partners, when we exercise “kindness, and pure knowledge,” (D&C 121:42) then God will “greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile” (D&C 121:42). We will no longer be guilty of the hypocrisy of being fallen people who judge the sliver in our partner’s eye while failing to notice the heavy beam in our own.
That phrase “pure knowledge,” has special significance. It describes the way we see our spouses when our minds and hearts are filtered of earthly impurities. We no longer judge our partners quirks but enjoy their goodness. We see them as Father and Jesus see them. We cherish them and are deeply grateful for them. What a mighty change of perception that is!
But what about conflict resolution? How do we deal with our irritating differences? First, “charity covers a multitude of sins.” When we choose to see the good in our partners, we are less focused on irritations. It’s not about excusing sin, but rather about the power of love to heal, restore, and foster redemption.
There is a second key to conflict resolution. Jonathan Haidt, the famous social psychologist, described our dilemma.
2006, p.73, 2006
We all commit selfish and shortsighted acts, but our inner lawyer ensures that we do not blame ourselves or our allies for them. We are thus convinced of our own virtue, but quick to see bias, greed, and duplicity in others. We are often correct about others’ motives, but as any conflict escalates we begin to exaggerate grossly, we weave a story in which pure virtue (our side) is in battle with pure vice (theirs).
Haidt suggests a cure for the inevitable conflict between people. He suggests first that we be aware of our own biases. What are the ways in which I impose my preferences and demands on my partner? At its best, this is humility! Then Haidt suggests something quite unexpected: find the fault in your own argument. Rather than correct your spouse, consider what you may be imposing on your spouse from your idiosyncratic history, personality and preference.
Maybe you think that a good spouse will speak or dress in certain ways, be extraordinarily thrifty, be an amazing cook, and be keenly romantic. We all have piles of expectations we heap on our unexpecting partners. When we are humble, we may be able to discern personal expectations that we are imposing on them.
Rathan than assume our partner is designed to meet our every need, we can understand that our job is to learn to love through differences, tiredness, frustrations, and disappointments. That is advanced training in love. It is what Jesus exemplifies. It is also what He asks of us.
Charity is to love as Jesus loves. It is a lifelong challenge to acquire His kind of love. It does not come without whole-souled effort. Ultimately it comes when we “pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that [we] may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed [only] upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ” (Moroni 7:47).
So good research and gospel truth testify of the same challenging truth: the key to a happy marriage is to learn to love with all our heart, might, mind, and strength.
You and your spouse are invited to an upcoming marriage retreat led by Dr. Wally Goddard that will combine the lessons of Jesus with proven discoveries from research to make your marriage more purposeful and fulfilling. The retreat will be on September 13, in Alpine, Utah. There are a few seats still available and if you register now, you can get the early-registration discounted price. To learn more and to register, go to DrWally.com.
Thanks to Barbara Keil for her wise addition to this article.
References:
Gottman, J. & Gottman, J. S. (2022). The love prescription. New York, NY: Penguin Books.
Haidt, J. (2006). The happiness hypothesis. New York, NY: Basic Books
