The natural man or woman is an enemy to their partner. We humans tend to be centered on ourselves, our needs, and perspectives. We tend to be critical of others and justify ourselves. You can see the mischief this creates in marriages—including yours and mine! We tend to fall into habits in our marriages which can include irritation, judgment, speaking critically, withdrawing and arguing for our viewpoints. We sometimes continue with those habits even when they erode our most precious earthly relationship.
We can actually assess just how much we are in the grip of the fall. Would you like to assess your level?
When we are at the telestial level, we essentially ask our spouses “Will you give me what I want?” We create elaborate reasons why our spouses should meet our needs in our preferred ways. It is natural to do this—each of us has a strong self-preservation instinct. We naturally want to be sure that our needs are being met. But this standard creates only survival and competition. It does not produce vibrant relationships. In fact, it is easy to imagine two people living together each focused on their own survival; this is not a pretty picture.
When we have progressed to the terrestrial level, our fundamental question is one of fairness: “Will you give me a good return on my investment?” We expect to get what we are paying for. This seems reasonable enough. It is a common standard in the world. People often leave their marriages saying, “It just wasn’t meeting my needs.” But there is a fly in this ointment. We as humans are far less objective than we think we are. Each of us imagines that we are doing far more for our partner than we are and we tend to appreciate our partner’s efforts far less than we should. So, each partner lives with a rasping sense of unfairness. “Why am I doing so much and getting so little?”
At the celestial level, we think very differently. We think redemptively: “How can I love and bless you the way Jesus would?” We no longer count the cost. We actively seek to discern the needs and preferences of our partner and act in loving and supportive ways. The satisfaction comes from the joy of serving and loving more than from having and receiving. This is thinking celestial!
Here is the great surprise: The person who is worried about getting their fair share will never be happy while the person who loves to bless will find abundance and joy! There is simply nothing as satisfying and joy-sustaining as living in imitation of Jesus!
I love the way Helen Keller wrote of her joy in spite of her blindness and deafness. “There is joy in self-forgetfulness. So, I try to make the light in others’ eyes my sun, the music in others’ ears my symphony, the smile on others’ lips my happiness.” To take joy in the joy of another is to be godlike. That is the great evidence of a mighty change of heart.
Some people worry that if they are unfailingly gracious, they may be exploited. It is more likely that kindness and goodness will evoke kindness and goodness from your spouse than exploitation. But there are people who would take without giving. To respond to this, we turn again to Jesus. Jesus was willing to tell Martha when her anxiety was pushing her beyond her stewardship. He was willing to tell Peter when his counsel was unwise. But His intent and actions were unfailingly loving and redemptive.
To think celestial, we draw on the qualities we discussed in previous articles, humility, compassion, and charity.
1. Celestial humility recognizes that because of the fall, I don’t naturally think and feel the way Jesus does. My thinking is polluted with bias and self-centeredness. But humility is not self-hate; humility is a recognition that I will never see things truly until I have the “mind of Christ”—until I see my partner the way Jesus does—with “kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile” (Doctrine & Covenants 121:42). When we see in Jesus’ way, we are no longer guilty of hypocrisy and guile.
When something your partner does arouses your irritation, do you choose to understand and forgive rather than judge and condemn?
2. Celestial compassion is extraordinary! We know that Jesus suffered not only for our sins but for every pain and infirmity we ever experienced so that His compassion would be fully activated. He understands us and everything we experience!
In contrast, when our spouses do or say things that don’t make sense to us, we naturally descend from appreciation to irritation to criticism and even contempt. But celestial compassion reverses that trend. In heavenly compassion we enter our partner’s experience in order to understand their perspective. “I can see why that is important to you.” As we enter their experience, we appreciate their perspective. We may see things differently, but we can genuinely respect their perspective.
Celestial compassion is especially important when our partners suffer. This is reminiscent of King Benjamin’s counsel to us when a beggar begs for help. When we say that he brought this on himself and he does not qualify for my help, we have “great cause to repent. . .. For behold, are we not all beggars? Do we not all depend upon the same Being, even God, for all the substance which we have?” (Mosiah 4:18-19)
When your spouse’s way of approaching a situation does not make sense to you, do you turn towards them with openness to better understand? When your spouse is suffering—even deservedly—do you have compassion? Do you understand and appreciate their experience and pain?
3. The crown of celestial thinking is charity. In fact, charity is not only a way of thinking, but also a way of feeling and being. Charity is feeling and acting redemptively. It is choosing to bless and help rather than condemn and judge.
Charity comes when our struggle to be like Jesus culminates in a mighty change in our souls. We now see as He sees, feel as He feels, and act as He would act. Charity seems quite beyond human reach.
Do you see the imprint and likeness of God in your spouse? Do you treat your spouse with the dignitythat God would hope for His son or daughter?
There is good news about this arduous journey! We don’t become good people on our own. We could spend a dozen lifetimes trying to conquer our weaknesses and be hardly better than when we began. We become good people—truly good people—by letting Jesus take charge of our lives. Is there a rapid way of making this transformation?
Alma would say “Yes!” Paul might agree. Peter might argue that it could take a little time.
In every case, the mighty change is the result of truly opening our hearts to Jesus. Alma provides the most dramatic example. He went from being among “the vilest of sinners” (Mosiah 28:4) to having the same vision of God sitting on his throne that Lehi had (Alma 36:22). He went from being tormented with the pains of hell” (Alma 36:13) to joy and marvelous light (Alma 36:20). His conversion is a study in spiritual contrasts!
We recognize that Alma’s change came because he cried within his heart, “O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death” (Alma 36:18). What we may not recognize is the complete way in which Alma emptied his soul. In effect, I think he said to Jesus, “Kill me if you must. Save me if you can. I cannot go on in such misery! I empty myself of any agenda but Thine.”
And there is the key! Alma’s change was so immediate and so complete because he got out of Jesus’ way. Most of us are more like Peter. We honor Jesus but we stand ready to correct Him when we think He is mistaken. After Peter suffered the ultimate humiliation of denying the Master, he made the mighty change. He became a powerful messenger.
You may be more of a Paul or an Amulek or Sariah or Mary. We each have our way of traveling. But ultimately, we get a great marriage and eternal life by filling our souls with Jesus.
When we have been changed, there are big differences in us. We not only tell our stories in new, radiant ways, we even see our spouses differently. We think differently. We feel differently. We act differently. We are changed!
God designed marriage to challenge us. He does not want it to be easy. He is challenging us to develop those Christlike qualities that will qualify us to be with Him and prepare us to be like Him.
You and your spouse are invited to an upcoming marriage retreat led by Dr. Wally Goddard that will combine the lessons of Jesus with proven discoveries from research to make your marriage more purposeful and fulfilling. The next retreat will be on February 14, 2026, in Alpine, Utah. If you register now, you can get the early-registration discounted price. To learn more and to register, go to DrWally.com.
Thanks to Barbara Keil for her substantial contributions to this article.
