Imagine that you are seated early at a lovely banquet when, much to your surprise, Jeffrey R. Holland asks to sit next to you. You are delighted. He takes a seat and turns fully toward you. Asking, “I would like to know you. But I don’t want to merely know where you were born, how many children you have, and your profession. I want to know your heart. Would you be willing to share five stories from your life that will allow me to know your heart?”
You blink. And stammer.
“No, really. I would love to know the real you. Are you willing to share five stories from your life that communicate who you really are?
Your head is spinning. “What are the five stories that define me?” You think back to your childhood. “I remember when I was little and . . ..” You tell a story of joy and discovery. You pause wondering whether President Holland really wants more stories.
“That is wonderful! Please tell me more.”
So, you tell a story from your adolescence when you learned an important lesson. And a story of joy and connection in early adulthood. Then a story of struggle and endurance in adulthood.
President Holland still seems interested. So, you tell a recent story of pain and growth from your life. When you finish, President Holland stares at you. Then pronounces, “What a remarkable life you live. Thank you for sharing with me. Thank you.”
And you realize more than ever before that your life is packed with meaning—that God has sent the right experiences and the right discoveries to make you the person you are today. You feel grateful.
Jefferson Singer, a respected Professor of Psychology, has suggested that “our understanding of ourselves and our social worlds are organized by a set of especially vivid stories that we repetitively tell about ourselves; these self-defining memories synthesize our goals, thoughts, and feelings, giving life to a coherent and recognizable personality. . . . Our identity is no more or less than the life story we construct from the memories of our lives” (2005, pp. v., 17, emphasis in original).
Consider that for a moment. The combination of stories creates a script or template for our lives. “The script becomes a filter through which we recall past events and make sense of new experiences. For better or worse, these scripts can shape our perceptions and understanding of critical events and relationships in our lives” (Singer, p. 29).
You can see how informative your chosen stories are. If you tend to constantly tell yourself stories of your life that are filled with hurts, disappointments, weaknesses or failures, that could lead you to a sense of dissatisfaction with your life. And that will carry forward into how you view future experiences.
Instead, if you frame the stories of your life in terms of blessings you have received, key lessons you have learned, meaningful relationships you have had, joys you have experienced, and ways you have felt God’s love, your sense of self will be more positive, more purposeful, more fulfilled. And you are more likely to interpret future experiences in growth-promoting ways.
Does this mean that we ignore or downplay the trials, disappointments or hurts we have encountered? Absolutely not.
But one of the great blessings of life is that no matter how hard our experiences are, we can find benefits in them. Instead of continuing to replay disappointments and hurts over and over in the narrative of our lives, we can frame those times in terms of what we learned, how we moved forward, how we exercised faith, or how we saw the Lord standing by us. We can acknowledge the pain while still telling the story as a stepping stone to successfully move onward in faith.
So, it is not just the stories but the meaning we extract from them that guide our lives. We can create dramas, comedies, tragedies, or faith-promoting stories by our choice and interpretation of life experiences.
If you were to list five memories that you would share with a new friend who wanted to know you, what would they be?
Those five stories can not only communicate your essential self to others, but they can also clarify your talents and testify of God’s hand in your life.
“A good story—the sense that we have organized and lived our life to a positive end—allows us to experience some contentment and peace in an otherwise turbulent world. In contrast, individuals who cannot link the jagged edges of their lives together into a coherent narrative, who experience their worlds as disjointed, contradictory, or lacking any forward movement, often wrestle with confusion and despair” (Singer, 2011, p. 72).
Maybe that is the ultimate act of agency—to find meaning in life experience—to sort through it all and find enduring purpose. Maybe that is faith—the commitment to find good and God and self in the events of our lives.
Of course, God grants full agency to each of us. We are free to take challenging experiences to justify pain, resentment, and bitterness. We can take the raw material of our lives and form a shrine to our misery. Or we can ask God to touch our hard experiences and transform them into humility, discovery, and growth.
Jefferson Singer’s book resonated with me when I read it years ago. I identified five defining stories from my life. Then I went a step farther. I listed every home where we lived and listed joyous memories from each of those times and places. Rather than five stories, I ended up with 207. Two hundred and seven cases of God showing up to bless and enlarge me. And I continue to add more to my list.
The principal takeaway for me has been that God is committed to the growth and development of every one of His children. He provides purposeful and growth-promoting experiences for each of us. Then He sends people and ideas that can transform raw experience into wisdom, faith, and growth. He presides over our stretching and learning with wisdom and love.
Let us interpret our life stories with that in mind.
Invitation:
You and your spouse are invited to an upcoming marriage retreat led by Dr. Wally Goddard that will combine the lessons of Jesus with proven discoveries from research to make your marriage more purposeful and fulfilling. The next retreat will be on February 14, 2026, in Alpine, Utah. If you register now, you can get the early-registration discounted price. To learn more and to register, go to DrWally.com.
References
Singer, Jefferson A. (2005). Memories that matter. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
See also: Frankl, Viktor E. (2006). Man’s search for meaning. Beacon Press.
Thanks to Barbara Keil and Paul Goddard for their valuable input on this article.
