We often judge children’s behavior by its effect on us rather than by the intention in their hearts. If their actions—or inactions—irritate us, we may assume they are malicious, careless, or irresponsible.
Blaming children for every irritation they cause is a little like blaming Reese’s peanut butter cups for my extra weight. The candy is not conspiring against me. My response is the part I must manage.
Likewise, when a child forgets to close the door, turn off the lights, or resist snacks, he or she is probably not making a determined effort to make us poor or crazy. The child is probably just being a child.
Most children are not plotting to make life difficult. Like adults, they are trying to meet their needs, enjoy life, gain some control, and do what seems reasonable to them at the moment. They usually want to do what is right, even though their judgment and self-control are still developing.
Sometimes their mistakes come from not knowing better. Sometimes they are tired, distracted, discouraged, or frustrated. Children sometimes knowingly make poor choices, but even then they are just less mature people learning to manage strong desires, limited judgment, and powerful emotions.
Understanding a child’s intentions does not mean ignoring bad behavior. It means correcting the behavior without misjudging the child’s heart. Treating children harshly for their humanness is both unnecessary and counterproductive.
Even loving parents can mistake their own exhaustion for evidence that a child deserves harsh treatment. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland once told a tender story about such an overreaction.
Early in his marriage, while attending graduate school and teaching part-time, Brother Holland came home one evening feeling overwhelmed and discouraged. His five-year-old son, Matthew, had disobeyed his mother and spoken disrespectfully to her.
When Brother Holland asked what had happened, Matthew looked up with tear-filled eyes and confessed, “I didn’t mind Mommy tonight, and I spoke back to her.” Then he burst into tears.
As Brother Holland later described it, a childish mistake had been acknowledged, a sincere confession had been offered, and loving peace could have followed. Instead, burdened by the pressures of the day, he lost his temper.
“It wasn’t that I lost it with Matt—it was with a hundred and one other things on my mind; but he didn’t know that, and I wasn’t disciplined enough to admit it. He got the whole load of bricks.”
Brother Holland told Matthew how disappointed he was and sent him directly to bed. For the first time, he refused to say prayers with him or tell him a bedtime story.
“Muffling his sobs, he obediently went to his bedside, where he knelt—alone—to say his prayers. Then he stained his little pillow with tears his father should have been wiping away.”
Later that night, Brother Holland had a troubling dream in which he realized that he had expected far too much of his little son. When he awoke, he ran to Matthew’s bedside.
“There on my knees and through my tears I cradled him in my arms and spoke to him while he slept. I told him that every dad makes mistakes but that they don’t mean to. I told him it wasn’t his fault I had had a bad day. I told him that when boys are five or fifteen, dads sometimes forget and think they are fifty.”
He told Matthew that he wanted him to remain a little boy for a long time, that he loved him deeply, and that the family would face life’s challenges together. He promised that he would never again withhold his affection or forgiveness.
Matthew’s behavior was not the true cause of his father’s anger. The pressures Brother Holland carried into the apartment shaped his reaction. Once he looked beyond the behavior and into his son’s tender heart, irritation gave way to compassion.
When we know we are tired, frustrated, worried, or distracted, we should be especially cautious about our reactions—and our overreactions. Before responding, we might pause and ask:
What might my child be feeling, needing, misunderstanding, or trying to accomplish?
We can remember that our children are not annoying little people deliberately tormenting us. They are developing human beings, learning how to manage their feelings, desires, relationships, and responsibilities.
Children need guidance, correction, and limits. But they also need parents who look beyond irritating behavior and remember the tender, developing person underneath it. When we pause long enough to see the child’s heart, correction becomes gentler, connection becomes stronger, and love is far more likely to teach what anger cannot.
Reflection
Think of a time when you were able to see beyond your child’s behavior and recognize the feelings or intentions underneath it.
What helped you respond with compassion?
What usually prevents you from seeing your child’s heart?
What reminder could help you react lovingly next time?
Invitation:
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Reference
Jeffrey R. Holland, “Within the Clasp of Your Arms,” Ensign, May 1983, 37.
