The Soft-Spoken Parent
When something bothers us, we humans often choose anger. We rehearse the offense, build our case, and gather evidence for the prosecution. Anger can even feel energizing. Something is wrong! Someone needs to do something about it!
But anger is rarely a good state of mind for understanding our children.
Research on close relationships suggests that taking a timeout when we are angry is not very useful if we spend the break continuing to think thoughts that keep us angry. We may stop the lecture or argument with our child and head outside to weed the flower beds. But if, while pulling weeds, we are mentally reviewing everything the child has done wrong and preparing the next round of our argument, we have not really taken a timeout. We have merely moved the argument into our heads.
When we take a break from a family battle, it can be helpful to take a mental break as well as a physical one. We might enjoy nature, read something uplifting, listen to peaceful music, remember things we love about our child, or pray.
We cannot think right while feeling wrong.
The Lord has instructed us to use influence with “kindness and pure knowledge” (Doctrine and Covenants 121:42). We have a pretty good idea what He means by kindness, but I used to wonder what He meant by “pure knowledge.”
Perhaps “pure knowledge” invites us to strain our perceptions of each other free of mortal impurities—accusation, misunderstanding, resentment, and hostility. Instead of seeing our children through the haze of irritation, we try to see them more as God sees them: lovingly, compassionately, and redemptively.
That is difficult to do while we are rehearsing their faults.
So, when we find ourselves filled with irritation or accusation, we can take a break—a mental vacation. For a little while, we stop building the case against our child. We turn our minds toward gratitude, goodness, beauty, truth, and God. We ask for help seeing the child before us more clearly and compassionately.
Psychologist Jonathan Haidt recommends an exercise that can help us make that shift. Think of a recent conflict with someone you care about. Then identify one way—however small—in which your own behavior was less than exemplary. Perhaps you were insensitive, even if you felt justified. Perhaps you were hurtful, even though you meant well. Perhaps you acted inconsistently with your own values, even though you can explain why.
Haidt observes that acknowledging our contribution to a conflict can initially sting. Yet if we stay with it, something remarkable can happen. We experience the satisfaction of taking responsibility for our own behavior.
And our anger often softens.
We do not have to decide that the other person was entirely right and we were entirely wrong. We might simply move from “I am right and you are wrong” to “I may be mostly right, but I can also see something I could have done better.”
That small shift can transform a conflict.
Instead of returning to our child armed with accusations, we may be able to say:
“I shouldn’t have spoken to you that way.”
“I can see why that upset you.”
“I was frustrated and I could have handled it better.”
Such words do not surrender parental authority. They make our influence safer and more credible. They also model the very quality we hope our children will develop: the willingness to examine themselves, take responsibility, and repent.
A mental vacation does not mean ignoring the problem. It means getting our minds into a better place before we try to solve it.
Don’t merely walk away from the argument. Walk away from the angry story you are telling yourself about your child.
Then, after some time with accountability, gratitude, and God, we can return to the problem with clearer eyes. Our conversations are more likely to be gentle, wise, and productive.
Reflection
Think of a time when taking a mental vacation helped you regain perspective.
- How did it feel?
- What helped you get there?
- What might help you get there again?
- How could you make that experience more common in your parenting?
Applying This Strategy
- I ask Heavenly Father for help.
- I take time to see my child as God does.
- I try to enter and understand my child’s world—their hopes, dreams, needs, & frustrations.
- I remember, with gratitude, past successes with this strategy.
- I ask myself: Does this strategy fit me? If not, can I adapt it, or should I discard it?
- I plan my response for the next time the challenge arises.
- I imagine—or pre-experience—the better way of responding.
- I try it out.
- I keep refining my efforts—otherwise known as repenting.
Invitation
Would you like to bring more peace, compassion, and joy to your relationships? If you enjoy audiobooks, I invite you to listen to The Compassionate Heart: Uplifting Your Life and Relationships. In it, I share practical, encouraging ways to understand others more deeply, respond with greater compassion, and bring more warmth and connection to the people who matter most.
Reference
Jonathan Haidt, The Happiness Hypothesis (New York: Basic Books, 2005), 79.
