When we are inclined to justify our anger at our children, we may point to the scriptural directive: “Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost” (Doctrine and Covenants 121:43).
There it is: sharpness! Surely that means there are times when parents ought to get tough.
But notice what the Lord actually says.
When reproof is necessary, it should be given with sharpness—with clarity, precision, and directness. Sharpness is not the same as harshness. And God places an extraordinary condition on such correction: it is to be given only “when moved upon by the Holy Ghost.”
That changes everything. How often are our reproofs actually prompted by heaven?
In more than five decades of parenting, I am not sure I can identify many times when my reproving was moved by the Holy Ghost. I have lectured, snapped, retorted, corrected, and reproved. Usually, those moments were expressions of my own irritation rather than messages from our perfectly loving Father.
And the Lord places a second condition on reproof. After correcting, we are to show “forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy; That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death” (Doctrine and Covenants 121:43–44).
That is a very high standard.
I may reprove my child when moved upon by the Holy Ghost and when my love is so strong and evident that my child has no question that I am on his or her side.
So, I stand ready to reprove with sharpness when those conditions are met. But I do not expect that to be the ordinary pattern of parenting.
The normal pattern is given just before the Lord discusses reproof:
“By persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge” (Doctrine and Covenants 121:41–42).
That sounds remarkably like the work of a soft-spoken parent.
When Correction Is Needed
Imagine that a police officer comes to your door early one Saturday morning. He tells you that your teenage son and some friends blew up Mrs. Jones’s mailbox with firecrackers the night before.
You have several options.
You could call your son to the door and let him face the officer alone.
You could burst into his room and announce, “What were you thinking? I thought you were smarter than this! Do you have any idea how much trouble you’re in?”
Or you could teach him with wisdom, precision, and gentleness before helping him face the consequences.
I favor the third option. Loving parents are often the best people to prepare children to learn from their mistakes.
Suppose you tell the officer that you would like a few minutes to talk with your son and that you will make sure the matter is addressed. Then you go to your son’s room.
“Son, a police officer was just here to see you.”
You probably have his attention.
Now comes the important part.
Instead of beginning with accusation, you begin with understanding.
“Let me see if I understand what happened last night. You and your friends were out having fun. Somebody got the idea that Mrs. Jones’s mailbox would be improved with a few firecrackers. Am I close?”
That approach does not excuse what he did. It simply communicates I want to understand you before I teach you.
When we assume that our children usually do what they do for reasons that made sense to them at the time, we preserve connection. And connection gives us influence.
Your son may admit what happened.
Now the door is open for teaching.
“There are some serious problems we need to deal with. First, Mrs. Jones doesn’t have a mailbox anymore.”
Your son may sigh. “We can buy her another one.”
“That would be a good start. Thank you. But there may be another problem that is harder to repair.”
He looks at you. “What?”
“You and I probably don’t understand what life is like for Mrs. Jones. She has been a widow for many years. She lives alone. I wonder what last night was like for her.”
Now we move from teaching the mind to teaching the heart.
“She may have heard people outside her house and then heard explosions. She may have wondered whether someone was trying to frighten her or hurt her. She may not have felt safe in her own home.”
Maybe your son grows quiet.
“I didn’t think about that.”
There is the beginning of repentance.
“What do you think you could do?”
“Maybe my friends and I could go see her and apologize. We could explain that we weren’t trying to scare her. We could replace the mailbox. Maybe we could offer to help her with things around her place.”
That would be a payday for a parent! A youthful mistake has been acknowledged. A mind has been educated. A heart has been awakened. Responsibility has been accepted. A plan for restitution has begun.
Those are the outcomes we seek as parents.
There are still consequences to face. Before your son talks with the officer, you might coach him.
“Take this seriously. Tell the truth. Don’t make excuses. Acknowledge what you did. Be willing to make things right.”
You might even accompany him—not to shield him from consequences, but to support him as he accepts responsibility.
Notice what has happened. The parent has reproved. The wrongdoing has not been minimized. The child has been taught clearly. But there has been no humiliation, no attack, and no angry lecture.
That, I believe, is much closer to the Lord’s meaning of reproof with sharpness.
The story is invented, but the principle is very real.
Our children will make mistakes. Sometimes serious ones. They need correction. They need consequences. They need truth.
But most of all, they need parents who are connected to heaven.
When correction is needed, we can resist the temptation to dump our irritation on our children and instead seek the Holy Ghost. Then our correction can be clear without being cruel, firm without being furious, and corrective without becoming condemning. That is the difference between irritated correction and inspired correction.
We can help our children learn the laws of life while making certain they still know one great truth:
I am on your side.
Reflection
Think of a recent time when you corrected one of your children.
Was your correction prompted primarily by love and inspiration—or by irritation?
What would have changed if you had taken time to understand your child before correcting?
How might you make your correction clearer without making it harsher?
What could you do afterward to show “an increase of love”?
How can you become more sensitive to the Holy Ghost before you reprove?
Applying This Strategy
I ask Heavenly Father for help.
I pause long enough for irritation to settle and inspiration to enter.
I try to understand my child’s experience before I correct.
I ask myself what my child needs most to learn—not what I most want to say.
I correct clearly, briefly, and kindly.
I help my child make restitution when appropriate.
I show an increase of love afterward.
I keep refining my efforts—in other words, I keep repenting.
Invitation
Would you like to bring more peace, compassion, and joy to your relationships? If you enjoy audiobooks, I invite you to listen to my audiobook, The Compassionate Heart: Uplifting Your Life and Relationships. In it, I offer practical, encouraging ways to understand others more deeply, respond with greater compassion, and strengthen the relationships that matter most.
