Have you ever noticed how quickly a child can become “the problem”?
Maybe one child is slow getting ready for school. Another leaves things everywhere. One argues. One forgets. One seems to push exactly the button that is already sore.
Before long, we may stop seeing a child who is struggling and start seeing a difficult child. We begin collecting evidence: “There he goes again.” “She always does that.” Without realizing it, we have moved from being on the child’s team to building a case against the child.
Humans have a remarkable tendency to divide the human race into teams—often just two: Us and Them. There are the people we know and like, and there are the people we mistrust or dislike.
There is even a systematic bias in the way we explain behavior. When we make mistakes, we tend to blame our circumstances: “I was under a lot of pressure!” But when other people make mistakes, we are more likely to blame their character: “He’s dishonest.” “She’s lazy.”
Maybe part of the reason is simple: We know far more about the pressures we face than we know about the pressures others face.
The result can become something like this: I’m one of the good guys, and you’re one of the bad guys.
That is dangerous enough in the world. It can be especially damaging in a family.
Maybe I have a hard time with one of my children. Before long, I begin to see laziness, meanness, dishonesty, or selfishness in that child. Yet in many cases, that child is much like every other child—growing, struggling, experimenting, and learning. Something about that child may especially bother me. Perhaps he or she even reminds me of weaknesses I do not like in myself.
But once I start looking for badness, I will surely find it.
We may not realize how much our way of seeing another person is a choice. A child does something irritating. We begin to wonder about his character. Then we start collecting evidence. Before long, every new mistake seems to confirm the judgment we have already made.
There is another choice.
We can decide that our child is not the enemy.
We are on the same team.
Our grandson Shad is one of the most energetic boys I know. Watching him eat dinner is quite an experience. He rocks in his chair. He slumps. He taps the table. He twists. He pats the wall. And somehow, in the midst of all that motion, he actually consumes some food.
It would not be hard to build a solid case for irritation at Shad’s constant motion. I could watch for my next opportunity to correct or lecture him.
Or I could enjoy his energy.
I might ask him about his soccer game or his zip-lining adventures. I might appreciate the vitality that makes sitting quietly at dinner so difficult. I predict that someday that same energy will help make him a fine worker and a devoted father.
Irving Becker (1975) captured the power of our attitude toward another person: “If you don’t like someone, the way he holds his spoon will make you furious; if you do like him, he can turn his plate over into your lap and you won’t mind.”
That is quite a choice.
We can spend our days painfully mortal—chafing over one irritation after another and carefully organizing our complaints—or we can try to see as Jesus sees: with compassion, patience, and a desire to help, while remembering our own abundant humanness.
In his parable of the bicycle, Stephen Robinson (1992) writes:
“When the cost of the bicycle is over one hundred dollars, what possible difference can it make in the long run that I lacked one hundred but you lacked only ninety-nine? We are both beggars at the mercy of God. Therefore, I can feel no superiority over the least struggling member. I can only feel empathy for someone who shares my own situation.”
That truth applies beautifully in families.
We are all learners. We all need mercy. Parents and children alike are unfinished people relying on the grace of God.
Rather than allowing differences in preference, temperament, or style to become sources of irritation and judgment, we can make creative use of them. For example, rather than reacting to our children’s music as if it were the mayhem of a train wreck, we might ask them to teach us about it.
Who are the artists? What do they like about the music? What do the lyrics mean to them?
Curiosity puts us back on the same team.
And perhaps that is one of the great secrets of soft-spoken parenting. When we are irritated, we are tempted to become prosecutor, judge, and jury. But children generally do not need another prosecutor. They need someone who is trying to understand them, guide them, and help them become their best selves.
That does not mean ignoring misbehavior. Being on the same team does not mean abandoning standards. A coach can correct a player precisely because the coach is committed to that player’s growth.
Likewise, we can correct our children without turning against them.
We can say, in effect, “That choice is not acceptable—but I am still with you. We will work through this together.”
That is very different from communicating, “You are the problem.”
Instead of seeing our children as aliens sent to torment us, we can see them for what they are: beloved family members, fellow travelers through mortality, brothers and sisters in the family of God.
We can be curious rather than condemning.
We can guide without despising.
We can correct without becoming adversaries.
We can offer the healing kindness and compassion that we ourselves so desperately need.
That is what it means to be on the same team.
Reflection
Think of a time when you and your child truly felt that you were on the same team.
- How did it feel?
- What helped you get there?
- What tends to pull you onto opposing teams?
- What helps you see your child with compassion again?
- How could you make that sense of partnership more common in your family?
Applying This Strategy
□ I ask Heavenly Father for help.
□ I remember—with gratitude—past successes with this strategy.
□ I ask myself, Does this strategy fit me? If not, can I adapt it, or should I set it aside?
□ I plan my response for the next time the challenge arises.
□ I imagine—or pre-experience—the better way of responding.
□ I try it out.
□ I keep refining my efforts—otherwise known as repenting.
Invitation:
You and your spouse are invited to an upcoming marriage retreat led by Dr. Wally that will combine the lessons of Jesus with proven discoveries from research to make your marriage more purposeful and fulfilling. The next retreat will be on February 13, 2027, in Alpine, Utah. If you register now, you can get the early-registration discounted price. To learn more and to register, go to DrWally.com.
References:
Irving Becker, quoted in Reader’s Digest Pocket Treasury of Great Quotations (Pleasantville, NY: Reader’s Digest, 1975), 19.
Stephen E. Robinson, Believing Christ (Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1992), 51–52.
