Children learn the meaning of our words by connecting them to our actions. When our words and actions don’t match, children learn to believe our actions and discount our words.
Imagine that you’re getting the family ready for church. You tell your children, “Put on your shoes or you’ll be left behind!” Then you scurry off to finish getting ready.
A few minutes later, you return to discover that one of your children has been happily playing. His shoes are still nowhere near his feet.
You explode. “I told you to put on your shoes!”
But consider the situation from the child’s perspective. If he could explain his thinking, he might say:
“Actually, you offered me two options. I thought the stay-at-home option sounded pretty good. When you dashed off, I reasonably assumed I was free to choose. I think I’ll stay home and play.”
Or he might say:
“Based on experience, I only know you’re serious about shoes when your face turns red and you start to scream. Until then, I assume you’re just making casual suggestions.”
Of course, most children couldn’t express these thoughts so clearly. But their behavior may reflect exactly that understanding.
And therein lies an important lesson for the soft-spoken parent.
When our words aren’t supported by our actions, children learn to wait for our anger before taking us seriously.
We ask children to do things, but we don’t always send clear messages. We leave them wondering whether we really mean what we say. When they don’t comply, we become frustrated. “Why don’t they ever do what I ask?”
Meanwhile, our children might reasonably wonder, “Why do you keep asking me to do things when you don’t really expect me to do them? I’ve learned that your words don’t mean much until you get mad.”
Unfortunately, we may be teaching our children to ignore our calm voices and respond only to our angry ones!
Do Any of These Sound Familiar?
“If you don’t eat your dinner, you can’t have dessert.”
The children don’t eat dinner. They still get dessert.
“I’m counting to three!”
We reach three and issue another warning. Then another. Finally, we explode: “I don’t know what
I’m going to do with you!”
“Clean up your room before you go out to play.”
We get distracted. The child disappears outside while the room remains a wreck.
“You may not have a candy bar.”
The child whines and pleads. Eventually, exhausted by the battle, we surrender and hand over the candy bar.
In each case, we have unintentionally taught our children that our words are negotiable, our limits are uncertain, and persistence may be more powerful than cooperation.
Then, when our children respond to the very lessons we’ve taught them, we get mad at them!
But the problem isn’t entirely theirs. We have helped create it.
Replace Threats with Helpful Action
The solution is not to become louder, sterner, or more threatening. It is to become more thoughtful and consistent.
Say what you mean. Mean what you say. And follow through with kindness.
When we ask a child to put on shoes, we have several options. We might help the child get started. We might ask an older sibling to help. We might turn the task into a little game: “Let’s see if you can get those shoes on before I finish putting on my coat!” Or we might simply carry the shoes to the car and help the child put them on there.
Notice that none of these responses requires anger. They require wise involvement.
My colleague Laura had a simple rule: Her boys could watch cartoons in the morning only after they were fully dressed and ready for school. The children knew exactly what was expected. There was no need for nagging or threatening.
Our friend Toni had a rule that cookies were to be eaten in the kitchen rather than the living room. When her daughter Julie wandered into the living room carrying a cookie, Toni didn’t need to scold. She could cheerfully say, “Oh! You want a cookie. Let’s go into the kitchen to eat it.”
Another parent, Susan, had an agreement with her daughter that she would practice the piano for thirty minutes before dinner. When her daughter forgot, Susan simply saved her dinner until the practicing was finished.
These parents didn’t need to become angry. Their actions quietly reinforced their clearly-expressed expectations.
Of course, we should be thoughtful about the rules we establish. Some are worth enforcing. Others may be unnecessary battles. We should be willing to reconsider rules that are unreasonable, unimportant, or poorly suited to a child’s age and abilities.
And when a child is tired, overwhelmed, or struggling, compassion may call for help or flexibility rather than rigid enforcement.
Consistency does not mean harshness. It means being trustworthy.
The Quiet Power of Follow-Through
Some parents may protest, “But following through takes so much time!”
Yes, sometimes it does. It takes time to walk a child to the kitchen, help with shoes, or patiently supervise a task.
But consider the alternative.
How much time do we spend repeating instructions, issuing threats, negotiating, cajoling, lecturing, and eventually punishing? How much emotional energy do we waste getting ourselves and our children upset?
I suspect that parents who consistently and kindly follow through on reasonable expectations will save hundreds of hours over a lifetime compared with parents who rely on nagging and threats.
And they may enjoy lower blood pressure and warmer relationships with their children!
There is another benefit. When children discover that our quiet words are reliable, we no longer need to raise our voices to convince them that we are serious.
Our calmness becomes a source of security rather than a signal that our words can be ignored.
The soft-spoken parent doesn’t need to choose between kindness and firmness. We can be both gentle and dependable. In fact, each quality strengthens the other.
An ounce of prevention is worth a ton of preaching.
And a little kind follow-through may prevent a mountain of anger.
Reflection
Think of a time when you made your actions match your words—and did so with kindness.
- How did it feel?
- What helped you succeed?
- How did your child respond?
- What could help you make that experience more common?
Applying This Strategy
- I ask Heavenly Father for help.
- I remember with gratitude past successes with this strategy.
- I ask myself: Does this strategy fit me? If not, can I adapt it, or should I discard it?
- I choose expectations that are reasonable and important enough to follow through on.
- I plan my response for the next time the challenge arises.
- I imagine—or pre-experience—a better way of responding.
- I try it out.
- I keep refining my efforts—otherwise known as repenting.
Invitation
You and your spouse are invited to an upcoming marriage retreat led by Dr. Wally that will combine the lessons of Jesus with proven discoveries from research to make your marriage more purposeful and fulfilling. The next retreat will be on February 13, 2027, in Alpine, Utah. If you register now, you can get the early-registration discounted price. To learn more and to register, go to DrWally.com.
