Several years ago, two dear friends called me from a distant city. Their voices betrayed their exhaustion.
“We’ve had trouble with Breck lately. We don’t know what to do. We’re desperate. Will you help us?”
The weary parents described the challenges surrounding their recent move to a new city. The father’s new job demanded long hours, leaving him little time or energy for his family. The mother was overwhelmed with unpacking, organizing the household, and helping everyone settle into unfamiliar surroundings.
And six-year-old Breck was not doing well.
Once a sweet and cooperative boy, Breck had become angry and defiant. Every morning brought a battle over getting on the school bus. He seemed almost to delight in tormenting his mother as she struggled to get him aboard while the bus waited and traffic backed up.
“It seems that he’s deliberately trying to manipulate me,” his frustrated mother observed. “I think he wants to use his power to control the family. He seems to enjoy it.”
When she asked whether I thought Breck was deliberately manipulating her, my instinctive response was, “No! I know Breck. He’s an earnest, sweet, normal boy whose greatest vulnerability may be that he’s tenderhearted and something of a perfectionist.”
I wondered whether Breck’s behavior was communicating something quite different from what his parents imagined. If he could have put his feelings into words, he might have said:
“I am so confused about this move! I like having some order in my life, but everything familiar has disappeared. I’ve lost my friends, our old house, and the routines that made life feel safe. Now I’m supposed to go to a strange school with people I don’t know. And Mom and Dad don’t even want to snuggle with me at night because they say I need to be grown up. I feel lost and lonely. Please, please, won’t somebody help me?”
Of course, Breck couldn’t explain all that. He was only six. Instead, he expressed his distress in the language available to him: resistance, anger, and defiance.
Seeing Breck as a lonely, overwhelmed little boy leads to an entirely different parenting response than seeing him as a scheming, manipulative troublemaker.
Bringing children up in light and truth includes seeing them in the best possible light.
Bringing children up in light and truth includes seeing them in the best possible light—not as little villains plotting to make our lives miserable, but as beloved children who generally want to do well and sometimes don’t know how.
Rather than accuse, confront, or threaten Breck, his parents could respond to the pain and confusion beneath his behavior. Instead of treating Breck as the enemy, they could join forces with him against their common enemies: confusion, loneliness, and fear.
His father might say, “Wow, son! You’ve got some big feelings inside you! Shall we run around the block together and see if we can run some of that frustration right out of us?”
His mother might say, “Breck, there have been so many changes lately. I wonder if everything feels confusing. Would you like to snuggle with me in the rocking chair for a while?”
There are many ways to help a struggling child feel safe and understood. Parents, drawing on their experience, love, and inspiration, are uniquely qualified to discover what will help their particular child in a particular circumstance.
There are also longer-term ways the parents might help Breck weather the storms in his life.
Perhaps his mother could volunteer occasionally at his school, making that unfamiliar place feel a little friendlier. His father might protect some special time each weekend for adventures with his son. His mother might arrange an occasional mother-son outing or picnic. The family might invite one of Breck’s classmates over to play, helping him begin to build new friendships.
And perhaps the simplest and most powerful gift would be restoring the bedtime snuggles that reassured Breck that, even though so much had changed, his parents’ love had not.
When children cannot find a healthy way to get their needs met, they sometimes resort to desperate measures—not because they are malicious, but because they are distressed.
Maybe Breck wasn’t trying to gain power over his family. Maybe he was desperately trying to regain some sense of control in a life that suddenly felt unpredictable.
Maybe he wasn’t trying to punish his parents. Maybe he was begging them, in the only way he knew, to help him feel loved and safe.
There is a world of difference between those interpretations. And that difference can transform the way we parent.
That’s why I suggest that we blame it on the rain.
What storms might your child be struggling to weather?
Think about the rain falling in your child’s life. What storms might your child be struggling to weather?
Perhaps there has been a move, a change of schools, or the loss of a treasured friendship. Perhaps there are health concerns, financial worries, or tension between parents. Maybe a new baby has arrived, a beloved grandparent has died, or a parent is unusually busy or distracted. Even changes that seem minor to adults can feel overwhelming to a child.
Sometimes we are so preoccupied with the storms in our own lives that we forget our children are standing in the same rain—often without the understanding, experience, or resources we have to cope with it.
When a child is irritable, oppositional, or uncooperative, we naturally focus on the behavior that is making our lives difficult. We may ask, “Why is this child being so naughty? How can I put a stop to it?”
But a more useful question may be, “What is making life so hard for this child? What burden is this behavior trying to communicate? How can I help?”
This doesn’t mean we excuse every misbehavior or abandon reasonable expectations. Children still need guidance, structure, and limits. But we can provide those things with tenderness rather than accusation, with understanding rather than anger.
We can be firm about behavior while being compassionate about the feelings behind it.
The next time your child is difficult, pause before deciding that the problem is stubbornness, selfishness, or defiance. Consider the possibility that your child is struggling with burdens you haven’t fully recognized.
Ask Heavenly Father to help you see the child as He does.
Ask Heavenly Father to help you see the child as He does. Then, instead of adding thunder and lightning to the child’s storm, look for ways to offer shelter. Sometimes we are so preoccupied with the storms in our own lives that we forget our children are standing in the same rain—often without the understanding, experience, or resources we have to cope with it.
Much of the bad behavior we see in children grows out of the thunderstorms in their lives.
So, blame it on the rain rather than assuming badness in the child.
And then, whenever possible, be the shelter your child needs.
Reflection
Think of a time when you recognized the circumstances that made it difficult for your child to be peaceful and cooperative. Perhaps you looked beyond troublesome behavior and recognized the pressures, disappointments, or fears beneath it.
- How did your understanding of your child change?
- What helped you see the situation through your child’s eyes?
- How did that understanding affect your response?
- What could help you respond with similar compassion more often?
Applying This Strategy
Consider which of these steps might help you make this approach part of your parenting:
- I ask Heavenly Father to help me see the burdens my child may be carrying.
- I remember, with gratitude, times when understanding replaced frustration.
- I consider how this strategy fits my child and our family, and how I might adapt it.
- I plan how I might respond when my child is struggling.
- I imagine myself responding with patience, warmth, and understanding.
- I put my plan into practice.
- I learn from my efforts and keep refining them—otherwise known as repenting.
Invitation
You and your spouse are invited to an upcoming marriage retreat led by Dr. Wally that will combine the lessons of Jesus with proven discoveries from research to make your marriage more purposeful and fulfilling. The next retreat will be on February 13, 2027, in Alpine, Utah. If you register now, you can get the early-registration discounted price. To learn more and to register, go to DrWally.com.
Reference
Story adapted from H. W. Goddard, “Divine Parenting: The Atonement of Jesus Christ Is the Key,” in My Soul Delighteth in the Scriptures: Personal and Family Applications, ed. H. Wallace Goddard and Richard H. Cracroft (Salt Lake City, UT: Bookcraft, 1999).
