The Soft-Spoken Parent
The Process of Change and Strategy 1
As you study this series on soft-spoken parenting and the fifty-five strategies for preventing contention with your children, remember that some things we do will help us change for the better. However, some things—even done with the best of intentions—will actually make things worse.
For example, inventorying mistakes and failures may evoke negative feelings and reactions. Carrying around a burden of guilt does not help us travel better. There are times when recognizing our many mistakes will help us—but only if it leads us to the great Repairer of souls. The Lord Jesus Christ declared: “And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them” (Ether 12:27).
God’s counsel on change suggests that we should be humble, recognizing our dependence on Him for any progress we make. While we never stop trying, we always recognize our dependence upon Him and His grace. Then we celebrate our victories. We thank Heavenly Father every time we do better than we might have done.
There is another key to change. Each of us has different God-given gifts (see Doctrine and Covenants 46). Some of the strategies described in this series will fit you wonderfully well. Others will not. It is important to put your energy into those strategies that fit you.
When you are inspired by an idea that could help you, you might profitably pre-experience your response to a familiar challenge. Think through a typical blow-up and plan what you will say and how you will act the next time this blow-up occurs. You might even plan what you will do with the unhelpful feelings that inevitably arise. It may be helpful to write out the plan or to pre-imagine it several times so you are ready when the crises arise.
Finally, thank Heaven for repentance, which allows us to learn from our mistakes rather than being condemned by them. The victory of a peaceful family will go to those who are determined to keep bringing healing goodness and wisdom to their parenting despite mistakes. We should be as patient with our own learning process as an ideal parent would be—or as the Ideal Parent actually is.
When I am asked to define the effective parent, I think of the story of a middle-aged man who decided to take better care of himself. He made a resolve to eat better and exercise more. One day when he showed up at work with a very rich coffee cake, his coworkers chided him, “We thought you turned over a new leaf.” He smiled angelically and said: “Just a minute. This is a very special coffee cake. This morning I found myself right in front of the bakery and saw this coffee cake. It looked very special to me. So, I prayed, ‘Father, if you want me to have that coffee cake, make a parking place for me right in front of the bakery.’ And, sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there was the parking place.”
Great parenting is done by those who are willing to keep going around the block, those who are willing to try new things and never give up. May God bless you and your family with growth, loving connection, and peace.
Strategy 1: Get Your Heart Right
Have you ever felt so serene and peaceful that you loved the whole world? I remember as a young father, coming home from work after a busy day. Many household tasks clamored for my attention, but Andy was building a tree house, and he wanted help from his dad. I chose to set aside other demands and join him. We had a great time together—partners in a noble undertaking. That was a time that I honored connection with my son.
We constantly make choices. Usually, they are made so automatically that we are not even aware of the process. We are hostages to our moods. We come home from work tired and distracted and we ignore our children. We go about our duties in a fog. But it doesn’t have to be that way. We can choose to tune in. As we approach the house, we can pull up our mental menu. We can look over the options:
Grumpy and unavailable
Pleasant but mildly distracted
Cordial but not really connected
Tuned in
We can choose. And the choice makes a difference. If all of us chose to be lovingly engaged every day, anger would not be a problem. But we do not, and anger frequently is a problem. Most of the time we operate between mild irritation and complete annoyance. That is part of living in a demanding world where hassles and demands constantly assail us.
The blessed state of serenity does not come to us automatically, but we can make choices. Sometimes serenity and loving involvement will seem beyond reach. In fact, there will be times when we say to a child, “I really want to build a castle with you, but unfortunately, I must do a couple of things first. Can we build it after dinner?”
There will be times when force of will is not enough to chase away a nagging irritability. You may need to take a few minutes to breathe deeply and reflect on good times. Or you may need to send yourself to your room as I have done. “Family, right now I am an ornery, tired sack of bones. Because I just might blow up, I am sending myself to my room for ten minutes to calm down. Let’s pray that the parent who emerges from the room is a better one than you have now.”
Over the course of time our children will see us distracted, irritable, engaged, and having fun. Our efforts to choose serenity and compassion make it more likely that our children will grow up feeling loved and valued.
Any process that keeps our hearts tender, compassionate, and patient should be cherished. Maybe the process that works for you is meditation, prayer, journaling, conscious gratitude, savoring nature, or remembering great times with family members. If we choose to get our hearts right, we become more peaceful parents.
Reflection
Think of a time when your heart was right.
How did it feel?
What helped you get there?
How can you get there again?
How can you make that experience more common for you?
Applying This Strategy
Ask Heavenly Father for help.
Remember (with gratitude) past successes with this strategy.
Plan a response for next time the challenge arises.
Imagine or pre-experience a better way of responding. Try it out.
You can keep learning from mistakes and refining your efforts. This is commonly known as repenting.
Can you think of anything else that will help you approach your children with greater peace and kindness?
Invitation:
You and your spouse are invited to an upcoming marriage retreat led by Dr. Wally that will combine the lessons of Jesus with proven discoveries from research to make your marriage more purposeful and fulfilling. The next retreat will be on September 12, 2026, in Alpine, Utah. If you register now, you can get the early-registration discounted price. To learn more and to register, go to DrWally.com.
