One area of parenting is especially relevant to soft-spoken parenting: responding to children’s strong emotions. Haim Ginott and John Gottman were experts at showing parents how to help their children transform their strong emotions into growth and connection. Gottman calls this emotion coaching.
Compassion is the key to emotion coaching. Through this process, children move from frustration and anger toward peace, perspective, and problem-solving.
1. Become aware of the child’s emotions.
Too often we are absorbed in our own concerns and fail to notice the disappointments, frustrations, and hurts our children’s experience. Emotion coaching begins with awareness.
2. See emotions as opportunities.
We may initially feel irritated by the inconvenience of a child’s strong emotions. But when we recognize those moments as opportunities for connection and teaching, we can guide children toward healthier responses and deeper understanding.
For example, when a child proclaims, “I hate my brother!” parents are often respond: “You don’t hate your brother. You love him.”
While well-intended, this response dismisses the child’s immediate experience. Rather than denying the feeling, we can acknowledge it:
“Right now you’re so mad you’d like to punch him in the nose.”
Or:
“I can see why you’re upset. If I had spent that much time building a castle only to have it knocked over, I’d be angry too.”
Properly directed, the child’s anger is a great opportunity to teach them about managing feelings. In the process, we can draw closer to the child.
3. Listen empathetically and validate feelings.
Parents often want uncomfortable emotions to disappear. Yet taking time to understand a child’s feelings creates connection and trust. Consider an example from Haim Ginott.
Carol, age twelve, was tense and tearful. Her favorite cousin was leaving after spending the summer with her.
Carol: Susie is going away. I’ll be all alone again.
Mom: You’ll find another friend.
Carol: I’ll be so lonely.
Mom: You’ll get over it.
Carol: Oh, Mom! (Sobs.)
Mom: You’re twelve years old and still such a crybaby!
Carol shot her mother a deadly look and escaped to her room, slamming the door behind her.
This conversation could have had a happier ending. A child’s feelings deserve respect, even when the situation seems minor to an adult. In her mother’s eyes, Susie’s departure may not have justified tears, but sympathy was still needed.
Carol’s mother might have reminded herself:
“Carol is hurting. The best way I can help is by showing that I understand.”
Then she might have said:
“It will be lonely without Susie.”
“You miss her already, don’t you?”
“It’s hard to be apart when you’ve become so used to being together.”
“The house must feel empty without her around.”
Such compassionate responses lie at the heart of soft-spoken parenting.
When children are upset, we can offer emotional support:
“This is a big disappointment to you.”
“You feel hurt and angry.”
Simple statements like these help children know that we notice, care about, and understand what they are experiencing. They also help children identify and process their emotions.
For many parents, the surprising part of this approach is that we can—and should—show understanding for our children’s feelings without necessarily agreeing with them or approving of their impulses. In fact, we can be deeply compassionate while still setting firm limits on behavior.
4. Help the child label emotions.
“You felt lonely.”
“You felt frustrated.”
“You felt confused.”
As children learn words for their feelings, they become better able to understand and manage them.
5. Set limits and help with problem-solving.
“I understand that you were upset with your brother. We never hit each other. How can you help him understand what you need?” Once emotions have settled, we can begin problem-solving.
“What do you think we can do to prevent this problem with your brother?”
While torture and incarceration are not options, sensible solutions may be. We can help the child think through possibilities:
“Would it help to build your castle on your desk where your brother can’t reach it?”
“Would it help to close your door while you’re working on a project?”
“Could you teach your brother how to help rather than destroy your work?”
The calmer children feel, the more capable they become of finding good solutions. We make it clear that hurting or attacking others is never acceptable. Fighting and quarreling are not solutions. Yet we can guide children through emotional storms toward calmness, understanding, and constructive action.
The Peaceful Parent
Anger—and the irrationality that often accompanies it—may be a minor issue or a major challenge in your family. Whatever the situation, imagine the possibilities that come from learning healthier ways to prevent, manage, and overcome conflict.
First, imagine strengthening family relationships so thoroughly that family members genuinely enjoy one another most of the time. Small irritations no longer become major battles. Family members laugh, work, and play together in an atmosphere of safety, affection, and goodwill. This is prevention.
Second, imagine developing effective ways to handle unexpected surges of anger. Perhaps you learn to think differently about everyday irritations. Perhaps you learn to pause before reacting. Rather than being dragged into foolishness by strong emotions, you learn to direct them wisely. Peace and consideration become the guiding themes of your parenting.
Third, imagine becoming skilled at slowing anger and making repairs when tempers flare. Picture a family free from prolonged resentments and cold silences. Picture anger being ushered out the back door while light, warmth, understanding, and love are welcomed in.
Anger should be as rare a visitor in our homes as the appliance repairman. It will occasionally appear, but peace, cooperation, and appreciation can be the defining qualities of family life.
Simply imagining a better family does not make it so. Yet a compelling vision provides direction and purpose. It is far more productive than dwelling on a long history of family brushfires.
So imagine your family as a beautiful garden filled with brilliant blossoms, gentle breezes, warm sunshine, singing birds, and peaceful rest. There may occasionally be a mosquito looking for a victim, but your attention remains fixed on the blessings of loving relationships.
May it be so for you and for all of us.
In future articles, we will explore specific tools for managing anger effectively—ways to become soft-spoken parents.
Invitation:
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References
Ginott, H. G., Ginott, A. & Goddard, H. W. (2003). Between parent and child. New York: Three Rivers Press.
Gottman, J. (1997). Raising an emotionally intelligent child. New York: Simon & Schuster.
