God teaches surprising lessons about dealing with injustice. After suffering terrible injustices, Joseph Smith cried out to Heaven for vengeance on the Missourians: “Let thine anger be kindled against our enemies; and, in the fury of thine heart, with thy sword avenge us of our wrongs” (Doctrine and Covenants 121:5).
The Lord responded with perfect instructions for dealing with injustice: “My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes” (Doctrine and Covenants 121:7–8).
Our household frustrations cannot be compared with Joseph’s terrible suffering. Yet the Lord’s counsel to him reveals a principle that applies even in our smaller tempests: peace first, eternal perspective second, and wise action thereafter.
When we are upset with one of our children, we may think of nothing but rebalancing the scales of justice. We volunteer to join God in smiting wickedness. It is not a pretty sight.
We must remember that God has asked us to leave final judgment and punishment to One who is perfect (see Mormon 8:20). That effectively excludes us. It even excluded Joseph Smith.
God’s response to Joseph’s anguish was twofold: Choose peace and keep an eternal perspective.
We might apply God’s counsel to ourselves when we are upset about some childish infraction at home: “My son, my daughter, peace be unto thy soul. Childhood and childishness do not last long. If you endure this well and respond wisely, your children will learn the essential lessons of life. Better days will come.”
Choosing peace does not mean excusing harmful behavior. It means calming ourselves enough to understand, protect, teach, and guide rather than retaliate. Peace is not the absence of correction. It is the condition that makes wise correction possible.
When we truly trust God, the tempests on the ocean of life do not overwhelm us. We know who commands the waves to be still. We trust Him.
We trust Him to help our children develop good character in a world that often promotes evil. We trust Him to calm the waves in our own souls. We trust Him to help us find the right way to teach our children.
But we cannot receive His guidance while our minds are consumed with blame and punishment.
We are much less likely to overreact when we remember who is in charge of the human family. In times of tempest, we would do well to think of Him. As we do, we might even hear His words in our souls: “Peace, be still.”
A Child Who Scratched
A mother once asked me what she should do about her four-year-old daughter who had scratched a neighbor’s child. The mother wanted to be certain that her daughter understood that scratching was unacceptable.
I asked for more information about the incident.
The four-year-old had been playing with her six-year-old sister and the sister’s friend while Mom was preparing dinner. A sensitive parent already sees trouble coming. Older children are often not very gracious toward younger children who want to join their play.
As the children played, the younger child became upset at the way she was treated by the older girls. She scratched her sister’s friend.
I asked the mother how she had handled it.
“I scratched my little girl, and then I locked her in her room and told her she could not come out for three days,” she said. “I wanted her to learn a lesson.”
I think the little girl learned a lesson—but probably not the lesson her mother intended. She may have learned that this world is a hostile place and that even the person who loves her most may hurt her when she makes a mistake.
The mother’s response was harsh, but it grew from a familiar parental fear: “If I do not make the consequence severe, my child will never learn.” Unfortunately, fear often leads us to teach the wrong lesson.
It was also noteworthy that the mother had not mentioned the stresses in their family life that may have affected the girl’s behavior. The father was overwhelmed with a work project and was working long hours. The mother had started a new job with new pressures and extra hours of training. To accommodate her mother’s schedule, the little girl had been moved to a new child-care center where she had no friends. At the time of the incident, the children were hungry and tired.
None of these factors justified scratching. But they helped us understand the little girl.
I asked the mother whether her daughter often scratched people.
“No,” she said. “Maybe once before.”
Pause, Understand, Teach, and Prevent
When the mother asked what she might have done differently, I suggested four steps: pause, understand, teach, and prevent.
Pause
The little girl probably needed help calming herself. The mother also needed to calm herself before trying to teach.
Mom might have sat with her daughter in a rocking chair, calming herself even as she calmed the child. She might have taken a slow breath and offered a silent prayer: “Father, help me see this child as Thou seest her.”
If Mom was too upset to respond wisely, she could have said, “I need a moment to calm down. Then we will work this out together.”
A frightened or furious child is occupied with self-protection. A peaceful child is more able to listen, reflect, feel empathy, and consider a better response.
The same is true of parents.
Understand
When both mother and child were peaceful, Mom could begin by listening.
“You must have been very upset today.”
The little girl might tell about being excluded, teased, or treated unfairly.
Mom could empathize:
“That was frustrating. You wanted to play with them, and they did not treat you kindly. What a hard day!”
Understanding the child’s feelings does not mean approving the child’s behavior. Compassion and correction are not enemies. In fact, compassion makes correction more effective.
Teach
After the child felt understood, Mom could state the boundary clearly: “It is all right to feel angry. It is not all right to scratch. Scratching hurts people.”
Then Mom could help her daughter think about the result of her choice: “Did scratching help you get what you wanted?” The answer is clear. Scratching only made everything worse.
Mom would listen and then ask: “What could you do differently next time?”
Because a four-year-old may not know what to do, Mom could offer specific alternatives: “You can say, ‘Stop.’ You can move away. You can come and get me. You can say, ‘I want a turn.’”
Mom and daughter might even practice the words together.
Mom could also help her daughter repair the harm. She might help the child check whether the injured girl was all right, offer a sincere apology, draw her a picture, or perform some other simple act of kindness.
The purpose would not be to shame the child. It would be to help her learn that, when we hurt someone, we try to make things right.
Prevent
Mom could also consider what she might change.
Four-year-olds rarely do their best when they are hungry, tired, lonely, and trying to keep up with older children. Mom might resolve not to leave her little girl playing with older children when everyone is hungry and tired.
She might instead invite the four-year-old into the kitchen: “Would you like to be my special helper while I make dinner?” That could wisely prevent a situation the child was not yet prepared to manage.
The Work of Peace
The vital lesson is not that children should escape correction. It is that correction becomes far more effective when it is delivered in peace. In peace, we can see the child rather than merely the offense. We can understand the need beneath the behavior. We can hold a loving boundary, teach a better way, help repair the harm, and prevent the problem from happening again.
Parents do not have to choose between compassion and correction. Peace allows us to offer both.
When tempests arise in our homes—and they will—we can pause long enough to remember who commands the waves.
Then, before we try to calm our children, we can allow Him to speak to our own souls: “Peace, be still.”
Reflection
Think of a behavior from one of your children that regularly unsettles you.
What story do you tell yourself about the child’s motives?
What pressures, limitations, or unmet needs might be influencing the behavior?
What loving boundary does the child need?
What new skill could you teach?
What could you do to repair any harm?
What might you change to prevent the problem?
Most importantly, what will help you become peaceful before you respond?
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