The Key to Happy Marriages

At one time or another, most married people have felt stuck. They cared about their partner and found many blessings in their marriages, but something wasn’t working right and the harder they tried to deal with it, the worse things got.

It might have been a problem with intimacy or making time for each other or managing money. There are thousands of potential friction points in marriage.

And here’s the big question: Where do we turn when our most cherished relationship is struggling?

Sometimes we turn to analysis. We try to figure out why our beloved acts in such irrational ways. “What is wrong with him/her?” The problem with analysis is that we are burdened by the same biases and misperceptions that got us into discontent in the first place. It is likely to recirculate and enlarge our complaints.

Sometimes we talk to friends. Wise and good friends may discern something that will help. Most friends will merely share what they have tried and, unless they are unusually saintly, it is likely to include bad advice. They may in fact tell you that you shouldn’t have to put up with your spouse’s behavior. Resentment and frustration may grow.

Sometimes we read a book or sign up for a marriage class. Why not get solid advice? The problem is that the centerpiece of many popular marriage programs is communication. They teach that if you can fairly and clearly express your discontent, then your partner can change in ways that will solve the problem. If you have ever tried this, you know its limitations. Your partner sees things differently from you and has their own set of discontents that are triggered by your complaint. The relationship is likely to get worse.

I want to suggest a different starting point for dealing with marital challenges: Jesus and His teachings. Imagine that we turned to Him as the great fixer of souls and relationships.

We can invite Jesus to counsel us on our marriage. We can talk with Him about our desires and struggles and then tune ourselves to receive personal revelation. It is important that this be done with whole-souled humility. Requesting He “fix” our spouse is not likely to be productive. Rather, we ask Him to enlighten our own minds and hearts. When earnestly done, this can evoke a stream of revelation including surprises we may never have considered. We may realize that our expectations are unreasonable. We may discover that our spouse has burdens of his/her own. We may be reminded of all the wonderful characteristics of our spouse that we love. And we might be inspired to better love and serve our spouse in a way that energizes our marriage. Jesus can reveal to us the things we need to know and do.

We can also consider Jesus’ actions and teachings. Recently I have been studying the Gospels for lessons to strengthen our relationships. It turns out that Jesus lived and taught things that change lives. He changed lives in ancient Israel and His principles can change lives today.

One of the all-time great insights into improved relationships was delivered by Elder Boyd K. Packer.

Consider the ways Elder Packer’s counsel applies to marriage. True doctrine holds the keys. Getting the doctrine right and understanding how to apply it in our marriages is more important than getting our complaint right or communicating the complaint in “fair” and direct ways. Doctrine, when understood, changes us. It changes our thoughts and our actions. In fact, when we are filled with Jesus and His doctrine, many of our complaints are minimized. Our hearts are changed.

The common marriage practice of fairly expressing discontents feels a lot like “preoccupation with unworthy behavior.” And it evokes more unworthy behavior—contention, hurt feelings, resentment, and distance. Rather than express discontent, we can seek a change of heart.

Let me give you an example. My beloved Nancy is simply the kindest person I know. When she served as a Relief Society president in Alabama and Arkansas, she served with all her heart. She was attentive, earnest, and determined to help those in need and the needs were abundant. I admired her for her commitment. But when her commitment to the troubled members of the ward got in the way of her availability to me, I felt hurt, maybe even angry.

It might seem perfectly fair to point out to Nancy that she seemed to have time for everyone but me. And, after all, I am her husband! The problem is that this observation merely adds another burden on top of Nancy’s loaded soul.

Imagine that instead of making my complaint, I learn from what Jesus taught and exemplified. One of the great qualities of character that He emphasized was compassion. Maybe I try to model Jesus’ compassion with Nancy. I could consider her dilemma and appreciate what she is striving to accomplish. Maybe I say something like: “Nancy, I love the tender and loving way you are serving the people of our ward. I admire you so much! I wonder if we can create ways to serve together so I get to enjoy being with you. Perhaps I can help you with your calling or go with you when you visit ward members. Or maybe when you need to go serve, we can plan on getting together afterwards to take a walk or go out for ice cream and you can tell me about your experiences.”

When our hearts are filled with accusation, our actions will make everything worse. When our hearts are changed by Jesus’ compassion, we find loving solutions.

Jesus’ actions and teachings have far more application to marriage than we ever imagined. The woman at the well. The beatitudes. The woman in the house of Simon the Pharisee. The good Samaritan. His life and teachings hold unnumbered lessons for strong relationships. In the weeks ahead, I will share some of those lessons in my columns.

Invitation: You’re invited! On September 13 in Alpine, Utah, we will hold a marriage retreat: Jesus’ Lessons for Marriage. We will consider some of the Jesus’ great lessons that can strengthen our marriages. We will also consider what good research on marriage has taught us about how to apply true principles to create strong relationships. We only have room for twelve couples. We hope you will join us! To learn more and to register, go to DrWally.com

Thanks to Barbara Keil for her insightful refinements of this article.