The Surprising Starting Point for Happy Marriages

The enemy of marital happiness is contention. We fight and misunderstand each other. We develop resentments. We can become estranged.

So, the intuitively obvious recommendation is to get people to talk in fair ways about their differences so they can resolve them rather than fight about them. It seems to make a lot of sense. When partners understand each other, they can work out their conflicts. They can solve their conflicts.

Unfortunately, research has discovered it doesn’t work. (See, for example, Johnson & Bradbury, 2015, Journal of Family Theory & Review.) When partners try to talk about their differences, they are likely to polarize. Each may become a fight-to-the-death defender of their point of view. Instead of problem-solvers, they become entrenched combatants.

Jesus taught a brilliant lesson about the fundamental human problem in human relationships with the story of the publican and the Pharisee. He addressed the parable “unto certain which trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and despised others” (Luke 18:9).

Jesus begins, “Two men went up into the temple to pray; the one a Pharisee, and the other a publican” (v. 10). Jesus’ listeners would have immediately seen a story about good and evil. Pharisees were vigilant in honoring the Law! They were widely revered as righteous. And publicans as tax collectors were the enemies of the people with a reputation of being exploitive and dishonest.

“The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican . I fast twice in the week, I give tithes of all that I possess” (vv. 11-12). The Pharisee saw himself as impressive—going beyond the expectations of the law. He saw himself as righteous.

In contrast, “the publican, standing afar off, would not lift up so much as his eyes unto heaven, but smote upon his breast, saying, God be merciful to me a sinner” (v. 13). The publican would have been seen as a scoundrel and an enemy to the people and now he has confirmed that belief by frankly confessing that he is a sinner.

Then Jesus blew up all expectations when he said, “I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other” (v. 14) What! The noble Pharisee is condemned and the hated publican is justified? How can that be?

Jesus answers our incredulity: “For every one that exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth  himself shall be exalted” (v. 14).

Any time we think that our acts or ideas about life make us better than others, we are in trouble with heaven. In contrast, when we recognize our shortcomings and earnestly cry out for heavenly help, God smiles on us—even in our imperfection.

The Pharisee may have been keeping the highest standards of the law, but he was judgmental and condescending toward the publican. As Snodgrass insightfully observed, “Righteous acts without compassion and love are not considered righteous by God” (2008, p. 473).

So how does this relate to marriage?

Instead of a Pharisee and a publican, let’s imagine two spouses having a disagreement. One wants to handle a situation one way; the other spouse has a very different idea. Both think they have the right perspective and their approach is the better one. They are each on the verge of trying to argue that the other is wrong and their idea is the only sensible way to view the situation.

When we exalt ourselves, our perspectives and our demands, we lose our standing with God, we ignore our covenants, and we undermine trust. In contrast, we can be humble like the publican.

It is important to note that humility does not mean we aren’t allowed to express our needs and opinions. It does not mean we have to surrender our preferences and personality. Humility does not require we take a back seat in our marriage. To be humble is to recognize our fallenness and weaknesses and acknowledge our dependence upon the Lord to change our hearts.

Returning to our example, instead of jumping in to defend our position, we might choose humility. In humility, we recognize that our perception and preferences are limited. We seek a better understanding of what is important to our spouse. Rather than fighting to establish that we are right, we can seek to understand our partners—their feelings, needs, perceptions, and preferences.

The key is choosing to do what the publican did. We acknowledge to God our fallenness and our desperate need for Him. We ask Him for the change of heart that will allow us to understand and value our partners and their perspectives. In times of frustration, we may even need to ask God to share His loving perspective on our partners. Rather than exalting ourselves and our “rightness”, we invite Him to exalt our covenant companionship.

Let’s talk about how we can apply this to your marriage. Think of times you may have been judgmental of your partner. The parable confronts you with some questions.

1. Is my irritation at least partly due to something else? Am I dragging tiredness, frustration, or hurt from a different situation into my marriage?

2. In what ways do I assume I am right in my views and needs and downplay the perspectives and needs of my spouse?

3. When we discuss concerns or disagreements, do I fight for my desires? Do I pit myself against my spouse instead of seeking for both of us to productively approach problem solving together? 

If we were to follow the example of the justified publican, we would begin very differently. We would recognize our own failings and imperfections. We might think:

1. There are so many things I fail to do or fail to notice. I want to be more aware of my spouse’s earnestness and efforts.

2. Because of the fall, I know I tend to be too focused on myself. I need heavenly help! “God, have mercy on me and open my eyes to see my partner with the grace that You see them.”

3. When we encounter disagreements or frustrations, my goal is not to establish that things should be done my way. My goal is to counsel with my eternal companion and find a path forward in a way that strengthens our marriage and invites God into our relationship.

When we are truly humble, we recognize our imperfect perception and we ask that God replace our fallen tendency to judge with His gracious appreciation.

Terry Olson, a retired BYU professor of family life, tells an excellent story of humility.

The greatest need in marriage is not the ability to express our discontents with fairness and precision. The foundation of a great marriage is the humility that replaces our irritation with understanding and our judging with helping. In humility, we call on heaven to change our hearts and strengthen our relationships. Humility is a great foundation for a strong marriage.

Do you want to grow in your relationship with Jesus and the application of His healing principles to your marriage? Do you want to learn what good research on marriage teaches us about how to apply true principles that will strengthen your relationship? Join us for a marriage retreat on September 13, in Alpine Utah: Jesus’ Lessons for Marriage. To learn more and to register, go to DrWally.com

Thanks to Barbara Keil for her substantive contributions to this article.

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