Soft-Spoken Parenting #2:
While the field of psychology has recently taken a strong stand against anger, God has always been against it. The Savior taught, “Whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire” (Matthew 5:22).
This is serious business. If we are angry with our brother, we risk damnation. Some may cite the “without cause” clause in the scripture. But Jesus Christ removed that clause when He came to the New World. (The clause also does not appear in many of the most ancient versions of Matthew 5:22.) The Book of Mormon records Christ’s words as follows:
Ye have heard that it hath been said by them of old time, and it is also written before you, that thou shalt not kill, and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment of God;
But I say unto you, that whosoever is angry with his brother shall be in danger of his judgment. And whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council; and whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire. (3 Nephi 12:21–22)
To translate the scripture into modern parlance, one might say, “You may have thought that murder was the great sin, but I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother or sister is in danger of God’s condemnation. If you call any brother foolish or worthless, you risk facing condemnation yourself. If you insult or judge another human, you put your own salvation in peril.”
This is stern stuff. Society may excuse—even encourage and model—smart-alecky, diminishing, and sarcastic attacks on people. God condemns all of it.
God’s view is made more clear by a challenging verse in the Book of Mormon: “Behold what the scripture says—man shall not smite, neither shall he judge; for judgment is mine, saith the Lord, and vengeance is mine also, and I will repay” (Mormon 8:20).
The Lord began this instruction by establishing the scriptural basis of the command: “Behold what the scripture says.” Then He tells us to stay out of the judging and punishing business. That should be left to Him. Only one who knows everything and loves perfectly can be trusted with judgment and punishment.
But what about parenting? Isn’t it necessary for us to judge and punish our children so that they learn right from wrong? According to scripture, the answer is no. The more we parent in God’s way, the less we will need to judge and punish our children.
This may seem impossible, but as you review the fifty-five strategies that I will share with you in the weeks ahead and consider God’s divine method, you will see that it is indeed possible. God invites us to come out of the natural-man tendency to judge and condemn and to come into the light of loving and teaching.
The Apostle Paul said it well. “And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). Nurture and admonition! As you study the strategies described in these articles, you will notice recurring themes of nurture and admonition. I believe these two elements are essential in God’s method of raising children.
To nurture a child suggests that we protect, support, and encourage that child. Nurture involves giving time, interest, and affection.
When the Lord speaks of admonition, I think He means to counsel, guide, advise, and caution our children. It is our job as parents to help our children be aware of dangers along the mortal journey. It is also our job to help our children be equipped with faith, hope, and love for the journey. We are our children’s first and foremost teachers.
A Word of Warning
The strategies in this series are intended to help us parent in kind, gentle, and wise ways. These strategies regularly stress the importance of loving our children. A loving approach is vitally important. It is the foundation of good parenting.
Yet there is a misunderstanding that can arise as you read these suggestions. It may seem that I am recommending against firmness and limits. It may seem that I am encouraging you to be a pushover. That is not the case. I do not frame the challenge as either-or. We don’t have to choose between showing love and setting limits. Rather, we can be endlessly loving while setting firm limits. This is exactly what God, the perfect Parent, does with us.
Let me give you a couple of examples. When a child wants to run outside and play but has not completed a mandatory chore such as putting away his clothes, we could try to be agreeable and plead, “Promise me you will put your clothes away later.” This approach dishonors law and teaches children that rules don’t matter. It turns children into tyrants.
In contrast, we can create a stark confrontation—we can stand with our hands on our hips and demand that the clothes be put away before the child even thinks about going outdoors. This approach makes children resentful.
There is a better alternative, one that honors both love and law. Imagine saying something like: “I know you’re going to have so much fun outside. How can I help you with putting away your clothes? Would you like me to open your closet for you?” The parent is loving and pleasant while setting a reasonable limit. The child will not go outside until the clothes are properly cared for, yet the parent’s attitude is one of support and encouragement. This attitude makes a vast difference.
It should be noted that if you find yourself putting away the child’s clothes, this isn’t working. If the child is not actively doing his part, you might say, “Let me know when you are ready to put your clothes away.” The limit remains firmly in place, and the parent remains perfectly kind.
Let’s consider another example. When our mid-teen daughter wanted to go to a high school dance with her friends, we felt uneasy. We could have told her about the terrible things that can happen at dances when a girl is young and naive. Our daughter might have protested that we were overprotective. We could have gotten angry. None of that would have been productive.
Instead, we told her that we didn’t feel good about the dance but would be glad to have her host a party at our house. She wanted to go to the dance. We assured her that we wanted her to have fun with her friends. We emphasized this common ground. We asked her to think of an alternative to the dance that we and she could both feel good about. She decided to have a party at our house. She and her friends had a great time.
The key to combining love with limits is to remain perfectly kind, positive, and helpful while being clear about limits. There is nothing about nurturing that requires us to surrender limits. And there is nothing about limits that is strengthened by anger and insults. We can be both kind and firm.
In the next article on soft-spoken parenting, let’s consider some of our prophets’ counsel about anger and parenting.
Invitation
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